Yesterday I woke up in a good mood after five days of vacation. I was ready for the New Year.
Unfortunately, ten minutes after the New Year the flame of hope was quickly extinguished. Ten minutes after New Years, I was reminded I may never be able to repair the damage done in the past especially with family. After experiencing a range of feelings I’m hurt. Deeply. All I can do is move on and works toward a better future.
Honestly, I didn’t get enough rest last night – at all. First, we I walked up the stair to my front door, I smelled the unpleasant odor of a skunk. It was extremely strong. It was really odd a skunk would venture out in Winter in this cold weather. But it did. My whole house just stank! Not amount of air freshener helped. Honestly, I just thought it was all in my head. It continued to bother me throughout the night.
Periodically, I have a visit from a mouse. I haven’t seen him in months, so I thought he/she was gone. Instead, the little rascal came back with a vengeance. I spent a good thirty minutes on the floor, looking in closets, going room to room, trying to find the bastard. He was scratching with no care in the world. No matter where I was in the house, I could hear that annoying scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch ….pause…scratch, scratch, scratch. Defeated, I simply buried my left ear in my pillow (because I’m deaf in my right) and tried to go back to sleep.
Then the household decided to wake up downstairs. The constant yelling of the male half downstairs went on and on as the kids did what kids do – play? F bomb, here and there. Other curses flying out of his mouth at a rapid pace. While I’m become use to the disrespecting nature of this person, I was on the very edge of going downstairs and getting involved. I didn’t. Again, I buried myself in my pillow.
Lots of anger building up…but why? Ten minutes after midnight I learned on Facebook from an obituary post from a family member my father’s brother, my uncle passed away four days ago. I went from sadness to anger to just wanting to cut the whole family out. Not one person, my aunt nor even my own sister who I just texted the other day mentioned a word. I had to read it on Facebook?
Yes, I am hurt. I know I haven’t been there, at all, in the past. But over the years I have tried my best to stay in contact with the family. I learned not to put expectations of the effects of my efforts. However, after all this time, I thought I was making progress. I guess not. It’s like someone shoved a dagger in my heart and keepts twisting it.
Isn’t that selfish of me? Why wasn’t I told? How dare they didn’t contact me over a relative which I haven’t had contact with since my youth? It took a while but I snapped myself out of it. In reality, why would they?
I accept that but it still hurts.
Now I’m about to walk to work in this snow/sleet/rainstorm we’re experiencing at present. No cabs, my usual ride to work isn’t working tonight. I just have no other alternatives.
Perhaps the walk in these shitty conditions will help clear my mind.
I just need to move on. Happy New Year to me.