It has been a long time since I started this journal with the goal of providing others an insight into an addict’s life. As with life, things change and one must adapt to its new surroundings. From experience, an addict who does not change will revert back to their old addictive behaviors either to be miserable for the rest of this life or continue to drink/drug to his death. Recently I took a MPE (mental, physical and emotional) time out from work. In other words, I left on good terms with intentions to return at another time, if it happens.
First, it’s interesting to note that my last four jobs, I have lasted just over two years. The last three, I did the most disrespectful and selfish thing leaving without notice either after and in-between a shift. There came a time when I reached a breaking point. I just couldn’t work in such an inhospitable environment. Based on those experiences, if I made such a decision this time, I was not going to repeat it. Instead, I gave notice leaving on good terms.
In my experience there are few places today which appreciate their employees. Instead, you’re hired to do a job, you’re required to do it and most employers don’t care the cost to the employee. To me it’s sad, really sad. As I try to look a both sides, I get it. If a company attempts to please their employees, their employees just ask for more and more. If the company ignores their employees, there is a constant turn around and employee morale always low. I assume a good company would have to find a balance and work through the highs and lows.
Problem One: Here I am again, thinking I know everything and how to fix problems. Instead I need to look at myself to remember two things: I don’t know everything nor can I fix everything PERIOD.
This is a prime example of how I think and where in time will only get me to a place where there is no return. It’ s time to turn it back on myself. What the hell is going on? Honestly, I’m miserable.
I had convinced myself my life was not perfect but better than it was in my past. With a well paying job, I was in a place where bills were paid, food was on the table and I had a roof over my head. But there was always this longing for more. What I wasn’t looking at nor doing anything about are those things I felt are missing in my life.
The work environment became toxic for me. I became this robot – going to work, attempting to do what I needed for the day and leaving. It was the only way to cope. It worked for a while. But over time, the constant pressure to do more at any cost didn’t help me nor others. I began to speak out if only for myself. Nothing I said or did was taken seriously. There was this attitude of ‘it’s always been this way and nothing is going to change’. Such an environment drives me to insanity. I refuse to be that type of person. After careful thought, I felt it best to leave on good terms perhaps find something else. But I needed time to recover and it was impossible while working there. I need to find employment where I have a purpose and I’m appreciated. While there may be no place offering such, I can only hope. For most of my job I was in a serene and peaceful place in my life. But in the last couple of months its simply spiraled out of control. My mental, physical and emotional states are in a state of chaos.
While it’s only been a week, I am starting to feel I’m returning to something manageable. I have learned through experiences, we can’t change the past nor can you regret those decisions or dwell on them. I can only change the present, right here and now. Right now, the only goal is to bring myself back to a comfortable state. It may not be as peaceful and serene as in the past right now but its a beginning.
In summary, I need change internally and perhaps externally . Unfortunately, and not advisable to all, I have gone to an extreme to make this happen. Yet, it has taken me months to plan, analyze and execute this plan while accepting the consequences of this decision. It may work out, it may not, there are never any guarantees in life. For me, I am confident this decision and process is the best for my life at this time.
Only time will tell…