MPE Time Out

It has been a long time since I started this journal with the goal of providing others an insight into an addict’s life. As with life, things change and one must adapt to its new surroundings. From experience, an addict who does not change will revert back to their old addictive behaviors either to be miserable for the rest of this life or continue to drink/drug to his death. Recently I took a MPE (mental, physical and emotional) time out from work. In other words, I left on good terms with intentions to return at another time, if it happens.

First, it’s interesting to note that my last four jobs, I have lasted just over two years. The last three, I did the most disrespectful and selfish thing leaving without notice either after and in-between a shift. There came a time when I reached a breaking point. I just couldn’t work in such an inhospitable environment. Based on those experiences, if I made such a decision this time, I was not going to repeat it. Instead, I gave notice leaving on good terms.

In my experience there are few places today which appreciate their employees. Instead, you’re hired to do a job, you’re required to do it and most employers don’t care the cost to the employee. To me it’s sad, really sad. As I try to look a both sides, I get it. If a company attempts to please their employees, their employees just ask for more and more. If the company ignores their employees, there is a constant turn around and employee morale always low. I assume a good company would have to find a balance and work through the highs and lows.

Problem One: Here I am again, thinking I know everything and how to fix problems. Instead I need to look at myself to remember two things: I don’t know everything nor can I fix everything PERIOD.

This is a prime example of how I think and where in time will only get me to a place where there is no return. It’ s time to turn it back on myself. What the hell is going on? Honestly, I’m miserable.

I had convinced myself my life was not perfect but better than it was in my past. With a well paying job, I was in a place where bills were paid, food was on the table and I had a roof over my head. But there was always this longing for more. What I wasn’t looking at nor doing anything about are those things I felt are missing in my life.

The work environment became toxic for me. I became this robot – going to work, attempting to do what I needed for the day and leaving. It was the only way to cope. It worked for a while. But over time, the constant pressure to do more at any cost didn’t help me nor others. I began to speak out if only for myself. Nothing I said or did was taken seriously. There was this attitude of ‘it’s always been this way and nothing is going to change’. Such an environment drives me to insanity. I refuse to be that type of person. After careful thought, I felt it best to leave on good terms perhaps find something else. But I needed time to recover and it was impossible while working there. I need to find employment where I have a purpose and I’m appreciated. While there may be no place offering such, I can only hope. For most of my job I was in a serene and peaceful place in my life. But in the last couple of months its simply spiraled out of control. My mental, physical and emotional states are in a state of chaos.

While it’s only been a week, I am starting to feel I’m returning to something manageable. I have learned through experiences, we can’t change the past nor can you regret those decisions or dwell on them. I can only change the present, right here and now. Right now, the only goal is to bring myself back to a comfortable state. It may not be as peaceful and serene as in the past right now but its a beginning.

In summary, I need change internally and perhaps externally . Unfortunately, and not advisable to all, I have gone to an extreme to make this happen. Yet, it has taken me months to plan, analyze and execute this plan while accepting the consequences of this decision. It may work out, it may not, there are never any guarantees in life. For me, I am confident this decision and process is the best for my life at this time.

Only time will tell…


Change is Always Good

The monotony of life was beginning to really start to bring on some bad ju-ju. As you may have heard, Wal-mart, is making some changes. This is good and bad news. I’ve decided to go back to college to earn my Bachelors in Computer Science with emphasis on Software Engineering. Life is going to get a whole lot more interesting.

For what ever reason, Walmart has decided to make some sweeping changes throughout its stores during this pandemic. The managers and supervisors all had to apply for new positions. Instead of overlapping assistant managers during the week, we will only have one. At a lower level, the number of supervisors are also going to be cut. Both our overnight managers are leaving for other stores while they bring another who use to work the overnights in the past. How they are going to restructure the rest of the crew is still unknown but happening soon. It doesn’t appear my employment is in jeopardy but when restructuring on this magnitude happens one can never know the end result.

The retail business is not the ideal employment for me. It’s really physically and mentally demanding. While I get by day by day I am completely exhausted at week’s end where I sleep much more than another other time during the week. One might say it’s slowing killing me? Evidence of this is my periodic blood pressure checks which have increased dramatically. I’m back to fighting bad hypertension and it scares me.

I graduated from a local community college with an Associates in Computer Science Information Systems in 2011. I have not been able to establish a career in the field. Instead I’ve found jobs were I can get them. I decided to use the resources of my employer to invest more in my future education. Doing so requires me to stay at my job for quite a while but most of my education is paid by my employer. Yet, part of me is still skeptical this is going to work out. I’m still $25, 000 in debt from my last education experience and it’s gotten me no where but I big education debt I’m still paying for the rest of my life.

It may sound as if I’m not confident in the future. I will admit there is a small about of fear. Through these experiences I’ve learned no to expect anything and just let the pieces of the puzzle fall in place. Change is always good.

From Better to Worse

Sometimes life throws curve balls. I’ve tried to tell myself, “Just roll with the punches. But sometimes that is hard. Really hard.

For weeks now I’ve been wanting to move to my own apartment. There isn’t a single apartment available in the area. No one is returning calls or multiple emails I send. Fine, I get it – COVID-19.

Work is ramped up because its one of the few retail places left open. Not having customers in the store in the middle of the night is nice. But the expectation is we can get a lot more done. So the work piles on.

Things should be done the right way. Instead I ask one person, I get one answer. Ask another, get another answer. Next day, “Why this..why that?” My response, “Ask [my superior] who told me to do it that way.” “Well, it should have been done this way…” Really – no shit. If you communicated to the crew, Hey we’re in a difficult situation right now but the same rules apply as if was a normal work environment, you wouldn’t have this shit going on. Typical work crap that I try to keep at work but sometimes it follows me home.

Working seven days, for whatever reason, doesn’t help. I’m tired, exhausted, yet someone doesn’t want to inquire with the person that made the schedule to see if indeed it was a mistake. My hope is I report to work, they question why I’m there and I get sent home and two days off. We all know that isn’t going to happen right now. So I’m on day six of seven. Throw productivity out the window.

Then when I’m outside, a person from the rooms informs me they are having a meeting next door. Really, a meeting in a house with 18 residents, one staff member. Are you kidding me? I’m not setting foot in the place – period.

What was reported on the news apparently the attendance policy isn’t as proposed or as I understood it. I thought it was waived until the end of April. Now I’m told if people are uncomfortable coming to work and just call off, its unexcused and regular attendance policy applies. If anyone is even exposed to COVID-19, the MUST self-isolate, notify the store and there is a possibility the store closes. All this with no pay. You only get paid if you’re a confirmed COVID-19 case with a doctor’s confirmation.

Which brings me to my employment status. I found out I wasn’t considered full-time until Sunday night. I’ve been asking and asking, “I haven’t forgot about you.” Well it nice to know my status was changed Sunday, now I get screwed in the two bonuses coming to employees this week because my status wasn’t changed to full time.

Despite all this, honestly, I have even thought about drinking. It hasn’t even crossed my mind. I haven’t changed what I do for my sobriety, especially right now. I’m grateful and know I just have to give it time.

“Give it Time….Time Takes Time…its’ only temporary” – not liking those sayings right now.