Author: mikeykjr

This blog reflects the thoughts and feelings of a gay, alcoholic/addict. Sobriety, for me, is the #1 priority in life. I wouldn't be here today without the dedication to my own sobriety. I hope through this site, I can help others battling with an addiction, struggling with recovery or those looking for a better understanding of an addict and what we go through in life. I tend to write long, rambling posts, so grab some coffee, get comfortable and enjoy yourself. Also, subscribe/follow!

DR – Jan 9, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
January 9, 2017

AA – Daily Reflection

AN ACT OF PROVIDENCE

It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21

My act of Providence, (a manifestation of divine care and direction), came as I experienced the total bankruptcy of active alcoholism—everything meaningful in my life was gone. I telephoned Alcoholics Anonymous and, from that instant, my life has never been the same. When I reflect on that very special moment, I know that God was working in my life long before I was able to acknowledge and accept spiritual concepts. The glass was put down through this one act of Providence and my journey into sobriety began. My life continues to unfold with divine care and direction. Step One, in which I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, takes on more meaning for me—one day at a time—in the life-saving, life-giving Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the  Universe.”
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, Page 75~ 

Keep it Simple

Everything is funny as long as it happening to someone else.
–Will Rogers

We laugh when others do something silly. We’re amused when something funny happens to them. But if the same happens to us and people laugh, we might give them the evil eye. Yet, when others laugh, it can free us. It frees us to see the world through new eyes. Likewise, when we laugh at ourselves, we’re free to see ourselves with new eyes. Instead of trying to be perfect, we accept we’re human. To laugh at ourselves is to accept ourselves. There’s no room for shame when we laugh. We enjoy ourselves just as we are. Can I accept the fact I’m human and I have limits?

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, when I refuse to accept that I’m only human, be gentle with me. I know that, when I least expect it, You will remind me that I’m only human.

Action for the Day:
I will share with a friend one or two stories about funny mistakes I’ve made. 

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Although it may be back to work or school today, you wish you had an extra day to indulge in your favorite fantasies. In fact, concentrating on your assignments seems nearly impossible now. Instead of attempting to relentlessly power through your day, set a timer so you can focus on a task for a specific length of time, followed by a designated few minutes of daydreaming. Rather than driving yourself crazy trying to contain your attention within narrow slices of reality, find a rhythm of expansion and contraction that works best for you.

 

DR – Jan 8, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings
January 8, 2017

AA – Daily Reflection

DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 24

My powerlessness over alcohol does not cease when I quit drinking. In sobriety I still have no choice — I can’t drink.

The choice I do have is to pick up and use the “kit of spiritual tools” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25). When I do that, my Higher Power relieves me of my lack of choice—and keeps me sober one more day. If I could choose not to pick up a drink today, where then would be my need for A.A. or a Higher Power?

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who   earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, Page 46~

Keep it Simple

Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see…Bill W.

At times, we’ll go through pain and hardship, At times, we’ll have doubts. At times, we’ll get angry and think we just don’t care anymore. These things can spiritually blind us. But this normal. Hopefully, we’ll be ready for those times. Hopefully, we will have friends who will be there for you. Thank God for these moments! Yes, hard times can make our spirits deep and strong. These moments tell us who we are as sober people. These moments help us grow and change. Spirituality is about choice. To be spiritual, we must turn ourselves over to the care of our Higher Power.

Prayer for the Day:
God, help me find You in my moments of blindness. This is when I really need You.

Action for the Day:
Today I’ll get ready for the hard times ahead. I will list my friends who will be there for me.

 Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Interpersonal dynamics have been quite complicated lately, making you wonder whether or not the stress is truly worth it. Thankfully, the cosmos gives you the green light today, informing you that things are about to improve if you’re willing to do the work. Cerebral Mercury resumes its forward movement in your 6th House of Habits, reminding you that the planning period is over and it’s time to make your move. Remember, you don’t need to reach the finish line right away; many small steps will successfully lead you to your destination.

 

5 Signs It Was Time For Rehab (Regardless of How Much I Was Drinking)

On By mikeykjrIn Personal

After reading this post, it brought me back to the day that I started my journey in sobriety. Our stories are very much the same. I wish more addicts who are also bloggers would share their experiences.

Sam Dylan Finch's avatarLet's Queer Things Up!

In seven days, I went from being sober for eight months to sitting in a chemical dependency center after a relapse, being evaluated for a potential outpatient rehab program.

I remember the bitterness and resentment that I felt as I exhaled into a breathalyzer until it clicked, sitting motionless as the nurse asked me what I meant by a glass of wine – big glasses? Small glasses?

I remember saying repeatedly – to anyone that would listen – that I couldn’t be an alcoholic because comparatively, I didn’t drink as excessively as an alcoholic should (whatever that means).

And no matter how many times I was diagnosed with a substance use disorder or gently told I needed help, I’d stamp my foot and insist that getting drunk with some regularity didn’t make it a problem.

And maybe it doesn’t. But there were a hell of a lot of other red…

View original post 1,366 more words

A Mouse In a Running Wheel

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

In the past, I’ve been complimented on my tolerance of other’s behavior. Lately, I find that I have less tolerance each day. The behaviors of everyone, including myself. It has been months since I searched the Big Book or the 12 & 12 for some advice.

Some days it is so hard to just bite my tongue. It feels like the fuse is lit to an atomic bomb. It starts with one, then another until I’m boiling with frustration and anger. Through my own personal experiences I learned to do something quickly. However, some days are better than others.

Here are a few passages that put things in perspective while also giving me a solution. The Big Book reminds Us, “We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look at them as sick people (70) . . . Love and tolerance of others is our code (84)”. The 12 & 12, reminds Us, “Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellow actually means” (92).

For example, before I even leave town just driving to work gets me unsettled. Pedestrian traffic is typically non-existent. But I always find that ONE pedestrian who just pisses me off. They want to use the cross walk at the wrong time; they think it’s clear to cross, my side turns green, yet I wait for them to cross while people are honking their horns in frustration. Other times they cross the street instead of walking to the corner stopping the flow of traffic like it’s New York City. But these feelings are reduced when I drive through the countryside on my way to work.

We all work in environments where some people just get on our nerves. My tolerance of my fellow co-workers is another issue. Every day, I start work with a clean slate. Yet it only takes a few minutes before I’m back where I was yesterday. No matter how hard I try to leave it at the door when I leave work each night, it’s just not easy. Unfortunately, talking to anyone is a waste of my time. A change of job was suggested, however no matter where I go in the medical field or another profession, this type of environment is not going to change.

This is what exhausts me each day. I see how it wears me down during the day. My forgetfulness of what needs to be done at work rises because my frustration/anger side tracks me. I feel guilty because I broke yet another promise made earlier in the day. There really is no way out. It’s like being a mouse in a running wheel for the entirety of my day.

Same shit. Different day.

DR – Jan 7, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

AT THE TURNING POINT

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 59

Every day I stand at turning points. My thoughts and actions can propel me toward growth or turn me down the road to old habits and to booze. Sometimes turning points are beginnings, as when I decide to start praising, instead of condemning someone. Or when I begin to ask for help instead of going it alone. At other times turning points are endings, such as when I see clearly the need to stop festering resentments or crippling self-seeking. Many shortcomings tempt me daily; therefore, I also have daily opportunities to become aware of them. In one form or another, many of my character defects appear daily: self-condemnation, anger, running away, being prideful, wanting to get even, or acting out of grandiosity.

Attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzes my efforts to change. It is only when I ask God for help, with complete abandon, that I become willing—and able—to change.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

 Big Book Quote of the Day

“The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.” 
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, Page 30~

 Keep it Simple

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.—E.W. Howe

Do you let yourself be afraid of your illness? Many of us were scared into sobriety. Often, a spiritual awakening directly follows a good scare. Fear seems to improve our vision. Are you smart enough to run from your addiction? The First Step should create fear inside us. It’s about looking honestly at our addiction and what would happen to us if we kept using. Looking at Step One regularly will give us the respectful fear we need to stay sober. Often fear is seen as bad, but it can be good, if we listen to it.

It can be a great mover. When you’re afraid, your spirit is trying to tell you something.
Prayer for the Day:
God, direct my fear. Have me go to You, family, friends, and others who love me. Help me see my fear and listen to it’s message.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list five ways that my fear has taught me important lessons. I’ll see that my fear can help me as long as I listen to it and not live it.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Although it’s nearly impossible to know where your current trajectory is heading, it’s obvious your world is irrevocably changing. There might not be anything you can do to slow this evolutionary process, but you could ease the pressures along the way. Turning your fear into hard work might be productive, but it won’t help you get to the underlying issue. There’s really no need to struggle; the simple act of letting go of your attachment to the caterpillar paves a smooth road to becoming a butterfly.

 

DR – Jan 6, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Readings for Recovery

AA – Daily Reflection

THE VICTORY OF SURRENDER

We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21

When alcohol influenced every facet of my life, when bottles became the symbol of all my self indulgence and permissiveness, when I came to realize that, by myself, I could do nothing to overcome the power of alcohol, I realized I had no recourse except surrender. In surrender I found victory—victory over my selfish self-indulgence, victory over my stubborn resistance to life as it was given to me. When I stopped fighting anybody or anything, I started on the path to sobriety, serenity and peace.

From the book Daily Reflections

Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

 

Big Book Quote of the Day

“Faith without works is dead.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, Page 76~

 

Keep it Simple

“We.”—First word of the Twelve Steps.

We. This little word says a lot about the Twelve Steps. Our addiction made us lonely. The “we” of the program makes us whole again. It makes us a member of a living, growing group of people. Our addiction isolated us from others. We couldn’t be honest. We felt a lot of shame. But all this is in the past. The “we” of the program helps us live outside ourselves. Now we tell each other about our pasts. We comfort each other. We try to help each other.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me to join the WE of the program. Help me to admit and accept my illness, so the healing can begin.

Action for the Day: Today, I’ll work to make the WE of the program even stronger. I’ll find someone to help.

 

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You relish the notion of spending quiet time with friends or family, but you might not get your chance until later in the day. Thankfully, you possess a deep well of patience and can go about your current activities with a smile on your face. Although an emotional storm may be brewing, you’re motivated to take on anything and anyone who stands in your way. After all, you’re only willing to delay gratification so long. Wake up with determination. Go to bed with satisfaction.

DR – Jan 5, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152

Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: “If I don’t get a drink I’m going to die,” competed with “If I continue drinking it’s going to kill me.” Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 93~

Keep it Simple

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.–Chinese proverb.

Life holds so many choices now that we are sober. We’d like to go so many places. We’d like to see so many things. We have so much to do. We are slowly learning how to trust our dreams and reach for them. Our program teaches us that we live One Day at a Time. We make progress by doing First Things First. Easy Does It. Our dreams may seem very big and far away. We wonder if we’ll ever get there. But our faith tells us to go for it. And we know how: one step at a time.

PRAYER:
Higher Power, help me know this gentle truth: my life matters. Help me set goals that I can grow toward, one step at a time.

ACTION:
Today, I’ll think about one of my goals. I will list ten little steps that will help me get there.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You don’t want to give anyone the power to control your life today. However, you appreciate the feeling of comfort that arises when you know that someone is watching your back. Luckily, you have the best of both worlds now; you are free enough to make your own choices and contained enough to sustain your efforts. Lose any last tendrils of doubt and get to work on manifesting your dreams. Although it is reassuring to have a safety net in place, never let your fear decide your fate.

Struggling w/ cravings

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Thus far, I have counted three cravings already this morning.  This is typical for anyone starting recovery.  It’s been my experience working with other addicts, as well as my own experience, typically day four and five can be the worst for cravings.  I know that “it will get better” as time passes.  Still, I’m struggling right now.

I delayed putting on my NRT or nicotine replacement therapy (AKA – the patch) this morning simply because I was lazy.  It was when the first urge hit me I suddenly reached over for the box and a pair of scissors.  But the urge was over by the time the patch was applied.

The trigger that is causing these cravings is my frustration with the WordPress.com site.  Typically when I become frustrated, upset and/or angry, I tend to smoke.  But in the few hours that I have been on this site, I’m starting to get the hang of things.  Thus, my anxiety(?) has decreased.

But just a few minutes ago, it was like my brain flipped a switch; it felt almost like an out-of-body experience.  I was suddenly in another place almost unable to control myself.  Literally,  I had to stop what I was doing, hold the desk and snap myself back into reality.  UGH.  My mind and body wanted to get up, put my shoes on, get in the store to get a pack of cigarettes.

Those are moments that I need to do something else.  I’ve been at this computer since 9 a.m.  I should have lifted some weights and be in the shower.  Guess I’ll have to skip weights today, hitting the shower now because the more I spend writing the less time I have before I have to leave for work.

 

 

Welcome

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

People who have never had an addiction don’t understand how hard it can be.
~Payne Stewart~

The disease of addiction, We say is, “cunning, baffling and powerful”.  What does that really mean?  Only the addict through their own experiences finds such an answer.  This blog was developed with a hope to bring a better understanding of an addict’s life, both in active addiction and in recovery.

The world of addiction and recovery were covered in shrouds of secrecy as “confidential” or “anonymous” because of a stigma – We were undeserving of any hope at all.  The last couple of decades the perception of addicts changed.  We began to throw away the veils of shame and guilt of our lives by telling our stories publically.  We hope to eliminate this stigma that causes preventable deaths instead of opening doors for recovery.

I am one such recovering addict.  In December 2007, I made a decision to find my path to recovery after years of destroying not only my own life but the lives of those around me.  Recovery is not an easy path to travel down.  We must make a strong commitment to Ourselves to place sobriety first in our priorities in life.  There is no cure for this disease.  We must be vigilant in Our lives to ensure that we don’t waiver from our commitment.  We have learned through the experience of Others and Ourselves any moment in time our addiction can rear its ugly head leading us back to active addiction.  It has one goal – our death.  Not for me.  I was given a plan to live life if I follow some simple rules.

There is hope.  I am one of many who have years of sobriety that makes a daily promise to bring my experiences, strength and hope not only to the struggling addict but others willing to listen. Three things are asked of visitors/readers:  honesty, willingness and open-mindedness.  You may not agree with everything published on this site (honesty), however try (willingness) to put aside the differences for now and keep reading.  Only without conceived prejudices (open-mindedness) will you begin to understand the struggles and the triumphs of my life.  Just as with someone with cancer, I struggle with this disease daily and it is only through the experiences, strength and hopes of others that I continue to write this blog today.

DR – Jan 4, 2017

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

AA – Daily Reflection

BEGIN WHERE YOU ARE

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 19

It’s usually pretty easy for me to be pleasant to the people in an A.A. setting. While I’m working to stay sober, I’m celebrating with my fellow A.A.s our common release from the hell of drinking. It’s often not so hard to spread glad tidings to my old and new friends in the program.

At home or at work, though, it can be a different story. It is in situations arising in both of those areas that the little day-to-day frustrations are most evident, and where it can be tough to smile or reach out with a kind word or an attentive ear. It’s outside of the A.A. rooms that I face the real test of the effectiveness of my walk through A.A.’s Twelve Steps.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote of the Day

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, Page 44~

Keep It Simple

He who is swift to believe is swift to forget.—-Abraham Joshua Herschel

Life is full of questions. Many people tell us they have the answers. We have to be careful of who and what we believe. Other people’s ideas may not fit us. The program doesn’t tell us much about what to believe. It teaches us how to believe. How well the program works for us depends on what we believe and how well we live it. When we face all the facts, we can really believe. We believe we are powerless over our addiction. We believe we must and can change some things in our lives. We believe we can trust a Higher Power to care for us. When we choose to believe, we want to choose the best beliefs we can. And once we believe, we must not forget.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me know You, and help me know the truth.

Action for the Day:
Today I’ll think about my First Step. Do I truly believe I’m powerless over my disease?

Horoscope

Your mind is brimming with good ideas about nearly everything and you are capable of inventing a better plan than anyone else today. The problem is that people won’t accept your solution at face value; in fact, they may even oppose your efforts. You’re often willing to set your position aside or, at least, negotiate a workable compromise. However, you’re quite prepared to head off on your own now if no one jumps in with the support you want. Those who fly solo have the strongest wings.