Category: Personal

The Foot Dropped

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work RantLeave a comment

Another work related post.  In reality, a circle of events.  The point here is there is always positive with the negative.

My gut, which I tell people is my Higher Power, was telling me, “Mike, careful, something is just not right.” After the last couple of days events at work, I decided the best alternative was to keep to myself.  During dinner, my supervisor and the Director of Nursing (DON) paid me a visit on the floor.  They wanted to talk. “F**k. What now?”, I was thinking.

In a nutshell, I was given a verbal warning for my time management skills. Apparently my co-workers feel that I’m to slow at doing my job.  The DON also threw out I had mentioned I said, “I have until 11 p.m. to get all care done, so I’m not going to rush.” Oh, it gets better.  Another incident happened the other day which was brought up (which due to confidentiality, I can’t disclose here).  However, it ties into everything.

I completely shut down – mumbling, then not saying anything during the meeting.

Basically my employer is covering their own arse.  While the employer attempted to ask my side, I refused to say anything because I already knew they had made up their mind pointing the blame at me.  I was right.

Later in the evening, I switched floors to do care on some other residents.  There is a another CNA I’ve been talking to which I have connected with.  Her and I are on the same page.  She recognizes my fellow co-workers, “out to get you”.  I had disclosed to her I’m a recovering addict and my frustrations of the other day “driving me to drink”.  She in turn talked to my supervisor, apparently after their meeting with me, about her concerns not only how staff is treating me but the truth of what is really going on in the facility.  As we worked together, she was willing to help me with new time management skills she learned  over her 12 years of experience.  At the end of the day we chatted for about 45 minutes.  It was a great relief to know that she too was a recovering addict knowing exactly what I was going through.

I also had a talk with my supervisor expressing my concerns.  She reached out to me because “I saw that you shut down during the meeting, so I wanted to talk to you.” She is willing to address my concerns and try to change things.  She is beginning to recognize the problems (sexism, lack of communication, no teamwork, etc.).  After our discussion she asked that I don’t put in my letter of resignation (because that was exactly why I was talking to her in the first place).  So I’m giving her a chance.

Despite the bad news at the beginning, I was relieved at the end of the day.  I had felt completely alone.  Now I know that I’m not.  I have to be patient, willing to give it time for the wind to change in a positive direction.

Struggling

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant4 Comments

I have vowed not to include work on this blog for various reasons. However, when my professional life (work) impacts my recovery, there is an opportunity for others to learn how We, the recovering addict, deal with our addictions on a daily basis.  This is one such time.

I am now a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) with only five months of experience.  The facility that I work at is currently understaffed, badly.  Everyone is miserable.  I vowed not to get involved, do what is required of me and leave on a daily basis without a further thought of what went on.  While that worked for a while, I have found that in recent weeks, I too became miserable.  Right now, I’m not in a good place.

I never boast about how many years of sobriety I have because it doesn’t matter.  Each of us just have today.  After nine years of sobriety, the last couple of days, I am struggling with keeping my sobriety.  Last night, it peaked; I thought about drinking.  Did I relapse?

Keep reading . . .

I knew that my job was going to be challenging.  A CNA is not an easy job.  The job is disgusting at times (literally); I take care of the elderly who can’t take care of themselves in all aspects of their lives, including toileting themselves. You just get use to it.  Residents can be quite the handful at times; each one has a range of medical problems and mental health issues.  As a CNA, you are required by state law to respect their rights.  You have to be a CNA because you enjoy those that you help no matter what is presented in front of  you.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working with these people no matter what they do or say to me.  I know that they are struggling inside to keep the last sanity they have, in the only way they know how.

On a daily basis, I am treated like shit by residents and even my own co-workers.  I am the low one on the totem pole, thus people take advantage of it (many times to the extreme).  In addition, there are not many male CNA’s.  Nursing is typically a women’s field.  I’ve been told “. . . you just have to deal with it”.

Right now, I feel like I’m fighting for my job.  I feel like my co-workers are all against me including management.  The don’t listen to what I have to say, as if I’m speaking a foreign language.  They don’t help asking me to do things that I’m not suppose to do.  Then when I complain of the illegal activity, they turn my words or events around as if I’m the problem.  They don’t help me when I ask for help, instead think I’m just an incompetent person.  There are dead wrong – I take the necessary time to ensure that my residents are cared for in the proper fashion and with the dignity and respect that any human being deserves!

Sorry I’m getting on tangents, but bare with me . . .now how sobriety plays a part.

Before I go into work, I say the Serenity Prayer.  During the day, I must say it over 1,000 times.  I’m not a person that prays.  Recently, I have really asked for guidance and help, yet I get no relief. Is there a lesson here that I should be learning besides patience and tolerance because if there is, I just don’t seem to get it.

Psychologically, its torture.  I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to work with my co-workers.  But the other side of me doesn’t want to abandon my residents.  They are human beings and should not be treated in the manner that I have witnessed.

My Sponsor and I have constant communication.  He doesn’t understand why I still work there.  He believes I should just look for another job and leave. With only five months of experience, it’s hard to get another job somewhere else; it’s just not that easy to pick up, leave and get another job.  He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been in my shoes.  However, he has given me suggestions.

Last night, I called him on the verge of tears.  I was going to just walk off the job and I didn’t care about my license as a CNA.  I had a fear that I was going to drink; I didn’t trust myself.  I have so much anger, resentment, fear, etc. built up, I just didn’t know what to do.  We talked on my break but I have to cut him off because Gods forbid I was late coming back in.  The point is, he was there for me.  That got my through the last hour of work, home and I DID NOT DRINK.

This morning we went out for breakfast (I had to pay – another issue, later).  As always, he made suggestions.  Some I can do, others are difficult to implement.  But I still listened.

One suggestion was attending meetings.  I don’t go to enough because of my scattered schedule, complacency and timing.  All excuses.  I don’t MAKE THE TIME to get to meetings.  Yes, it would mean less sleep (I drive three hours a day to work, plus an eight hour day, so do the math).  But there are plenty of meetings right before work, that I can just attend a meeting, then drive to work.  There is even a meeting in a town that I drive through every day.  I just haven’t ever been to a meeting there.  So I’m going to take his suggestion because that is what Sponsee’s should do – ACT on SUGGESTIONS given by our Sponsors.

I have now lost my train of thought, if I really had one.  Recent events have put my mental capabilities to shambles; I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember even the littlest things.  It’s rough.  I know it and I need to DO something about it.

This is where I feel that I’m a hypocrite.  I tell people going through something like this to think of a river, you’re standing on a stone in the middle of a river.  No matter what you do (build a dam to block it or control it), build a bridge or try to avoid it, etc., the river is going to keep flowing around you.  You need to DO something, like step off the stone, before the river just pulls you downstream and drowns you.  But do I take my own advice?

Perhaps this time I should!

Music Epiphany & Request

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

There is almost always something to recovery in everything I do, thus the reason that I journal/blog. For instance, I wrote a comment on Music is My Life, Music is My Trigger by @hopefilledaddict . I had an epiphany. Recently, I’ve been angry, frustrated, “restless, irritable and discontent”. I may have found out the cause of my moods and a solution.

While I enjoy all kinds of genres of music (250+ GB of it), I tend to change it up depending on my mood. I have a few artists in each genre.  Instead of just getting the song, I get the whole album. I haven’t mastered the art of creating playlists (really, aren’t you a computer geek?  It can’t be that hard!)

For a while now, I’ve been listening to Country Music (98.1 FM – The Hawk). For instance, every time I hear, “Humble And Kind” by Tim McGraw , I have to prepare myself.  I literally cry (a flowing river) every time. The lyrics just tear me apart. When I’m driving on the back roads to work, it’s not good!  There are a host of others.

Lately, I’ve changed it up to a local hard rock station, 92.5 FM – KBG – Binghamton Rock . I love songs like “Call Me When You’re Sober” by Evanescence . The latest is “Heathens” by 21 Pilots , for obvious reasons. But there are other artists, as you can imagine listening to a hard rock station, that must instill and provoke the angry side of me.  Coupled with listening to it driving to work doesn’t help when everything at work falls apart when I walk in the door!

But here is the problem.  I have an old 2007 Toyota Corolla which has the stock (manufacturer’s) radio.  It has a CD player but I can’t seem to get it to play a CD that I’ve created.  I spent HOURS looking on the Internet, downloading stupid, despicable programs and can’t come up with a solution. Perhaps my fellow bloggers may have a suggestion or solution?

A Loopy Day

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Two days off, especially a Saturday and Sunday together, are very rare for me as a CNA in a nursing home.  My employer even called me this morning asking if I would work today.  I politely declined explaining (why I don’t know) I’m working nine days in a row starting tomorrow and (a lie) I was out of town.  This started this loopy day; my employers concerns always start loopy days for me.  I can’t concentrate on getting anything done.

For instance, I’m going to move closer to work at the end of Winter.  After living here for 9 years, you can imagine the accumulation of useless crap.  Besides, I want to start fresh.  I mean take minimal stuff and buy all new stuff.  Crazy, I know but it would be good for me.  Everything here is linked to  the first nine years of my sobriety, so I need to “Let It Go” and move on.

The weather isn’t cooperating either.  We’re under a Winter Storm Warning.  The forecasts are from a couple of inches to six inches.  Typical weather this time of year: freezing rain/sleet, icy roads, light snow to heavy squalls at times due to high winds.  I rather not go anywhere right now.

The other major problem is where to put all this stuff.  I just want it all thrown away.  But I have things like old printers, scanners, other appliances, etc.  I have two large bags of books I need to take to the local library.  Again, I just haven’t done it.  My Sponsor has a large dumpster, so does work.  I’m just afraid I’ll get caught.  Why is this so difficult?  I make it difficult.  The plan was to take one bag or a couple of things either day by day or every few days.  I’m just to lazy to transfer it to my car.

So I sit on my computers, attempting to work on something.  I just get scatter brained because I want to do this and that but I have to read up on either how to do it or how its changed since the last time I’ve done it.  Nothing is easy in computing anymore; technology changes almost daily.  Frustrating when one wants to be creative.

The point is I haven’t done crap.  I have no motivation; I can’t concentrate on one thing; I’m everywhere, doing everything, putting more and more on my to-do-list.  Actually, I think I just need a nap.

Wait…I have cold water back.  YES – a shower is definitely needed right now.  Then nap and I can start this day fresh again.

You all may return to your regularly scheduled programs…

 

My Landlord is …

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Oh Gods, here we go again . . .

I’m sorry but my landlord is a moron PERIOD.

This afternoon I noticed that my toilet would not fill up with water. I ran downstairs to talk to the landlord’s son, who lives on property. Apparently his father is working on his son’s bathroom plumbing. He turned all the water off but forgot to notify his tenants (typical for him). It seemed to be a minor inconvenience, I thought.

Despite the lack of water, I’ve been using my own toilet, just not flushing.  I’m getting a little worried as the day goes on, the sun sets and its now 7 p.m.  Still no water.  Visited the landlord’s son again.  We had a nice chat about his father – lol.

The guy is as stubborn as a stubborn mule gets at times.  He doesn’t want to spend money on repair people thinking that he is knowledgeable enough to fix it himself.  For instance, when I moved in I had a problem with the bathroom sink not draining properly.

The landlord came over, spent a good hour or more putting a wire hanger down the pipe, then a plumbers snake.  Finally he puts some Drano in the sink and left.  Days went by, then a week, so I called his son.  The landlord comes back yelling at me, “Why didn’t you call me that it didn’t drain?” The Drano ate through the porcelain of his new sink. (Sorry, not my responsibility. I assumed you knew what you were doing, buddy.)

He calls a plumber who takes the washer from the pipe under the sink, removes the pipe and says, “Oh easy fix.  These pipes are old, so they tend to get clogged.  I just need to get a plastic one to replace it.  Bing, bang, done within fifteen minutes .

With that in mind, you can just imagine what his son is now going through.  It looks like a whole bathroom remodel down there. But God help him if he mentions getting a plumber to his father – all Hell will break lose.

So we won’t have cold water. Again, I mentioned the toilet to the son who said most likely the toilet runs on cold water.  He called his father because he wasn’t sure.  His father responded, “Oh I didn’t know that . . . It’ll get fixed tomorrow.  Just fill up the toilet with hot water.  You’ll be fine.”

** shake my head **

 

A Few Things About Me

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

This morning I was reviewing new posts by those that I follow on WordPress. I especially like Just Ruminating (Rob).  He, like me, tends to write a lot about sobriety. So, let’s change it up.

A Few Things About Me

“Well, dear readers, today I thought I would just have a little fun and share ten facts about me. Just as a way of sharing a different side of things. My entire life is not about recovery, nor does it have to be.” – Rob.

NOTE:  I only did five because of reasons noted below . . .

So here you go:

1. I’m a computer geek at heart.

Since I was a young child, I have always loved computers. Systems such as the Commodore 64, Apple I and II, Atari 2600 game system were all introduced to the public during my youth. Then there was “The World Wide Web” or “The Internet” as we know it today. I remember protocols like Gopher, FTP, or browsers like Netscape (eventually Mozilla). Web page design was quite easy and everyone was doing it! The Apple and the IBM PC were the first computers I actually “programmed” using the BASIC programming language. I tinkered with computers until the ripe age of 40 when I actually got my degree. My first degree in college was an Associates of Applied Science in Computer Science Information Technology. Technology has jumped leaps and bounds since the beginning days of Microsoft and Apple. Today I have a had time keeping up withe my own network of six computers running with different projects running on them all at once. I love Free Open Source Software (FOSS), as it enables people like me to view the code behind the program and help build the current version by fixing problems. My current programming project is reviving an old project called Blue Smiley Organizer – Bookmark Manager.

2. Nature and My Spirituality

As disclosed previously, I am a Witch. Again, I don’t talk about it much because of the stigmas of modern society. During the 1980’S there was a revival in the practice of Witchcraft, many of us became Wiccans. During my youth I was always pulled to Nature (the ocean, mountains, sun, moon, stars, astrology, etc.) I was very opposed to mainstream religion (the dogma of them all). I always wondered who our ancestors, those before the mainstream religions, looked to for answers in their lives. I was intrigued with mythology but always had a hard time remember who was who. To me They were all the same (as They are). Over the years I have removed myself from the dogma of Wicca, now practicing Modern Traditional Witchcraft. I not an old hag, with a wort on my nose, a pointy hat and howling at the full moon casting hexes on people. Nor am I a Warlock (for other reasons). I am a normal human being, jeans t-shirt guy with a normal life who believes that there is more in the Universe than the dogmas of modern religions. Today, I use them as my Higher Power in sobriety, as I believe it was Their intervention that saved my life.

2. Dragons and Wolves

My ideal house would be decorated with Dragons on one side and Wolves on the other. There is just something with both species that intrigues me. Are Dragons just mythological creatures? Personally, as strange as it may seem to many, I believe they did exist at one time and now are found on another Plan of Existence. With that, I will end. Wolves, on the other hand, are just magical creatures in themselves. What draws me to them are their behaviors/personalities (I can’t think of the correct word). One minute they can be communal, hunting in packs, tending to their young, kind and gentle. On the other hand, they can be ferocious striking fear in their prey or to keep potential predators away. In the Native American culture, the wolf is considered a medicine being associated with courage, strength, loyalty, and success at hunting. There is a story about wolves I can share later.

3. I’m gay.

Those who know me tend to be surprised by this fact when deep down its quite obvious. At some point in my friendships they will ask, “Mike are you gay?”. For a very long time, I was ashamed of who I was but knew that I couldn’t change who I was – it was something biological, not a choice. I lived in an era when the stigma of the LGBT community reached a climax at the discovery of HIV/AIDS. I would say that stigma has diminished over the decades and I can only hope that it continues. I tend to keep this part of me private because do I ask my straight friends, “Hey, who are you sleeping with, man or woman?” We are all human, just biologically we have different sexual organs by we all experience the same emotions. So why can’t a man love another man, a woman love another woman? Save the argument, I’ve heard it all before.

4. I’m an avid reader

I tend to enjoy fictional literature more than non-fiction. Obviously anything with Dragons or wolves is an automatic read for me. For instance, The Loop by Nicholas Evans is one of my favorites. There are a couple series that I own for obvious reasons, like the Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest, Brisinger, etc. ) series. I love series like The Vampire Chronicles (Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, etc.), the Dune Novels by Frank Herbert, and The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. I try to keep all the books I read using Goodreads. Check out my Goodreads profile here.

5. Love – It’s Complicated

I had very few romantic relationships in my life for various reasons. Honestly, about five (Yes, 5!) total. Today, I’m involved in a relationship (I hope) with someone that I met a few years back. He’s serving a 3 to 7 year sentence for a petite larceny charge. It’s hard to describe the relationship because I’m not sure if what he is telling me is truthful. I won’t know until he gets released. I know, I know, I’ve heard it from everyone, especially my Sponsor (who also spent a majority of his life in prison) – he’s manipulating you. But I argue that there is a different side to him, when he is sober, that NO ONE knows but me. I’ve seen both sides; he’s completely different sober. However, I have to keep two things in mind. One, he is an addict and will always be an addict. Therefore, he may be manipulating me. Second, I could be infatuated (blinded by love) with him, thus I’m not thinking straight. Right now, prison walls separate us as he serves time four hours away in a Northern New York State prison. But I do talk to him on the phone on a regular basis. I don’t know – it’s complicated.

===========================================

With that I will end. Obviously, I can write and write and write for you to read until your blue in the face. Many times I think I write to much and it’s all unorganized, thus no one really reads it. Personally, I don’t care. Blogging is more for me, so I can get thoughts down and clear my mind.

Family Worries

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Typically I wouldn’t talk about my Sponsor in a public post by I need to get this off my chest.  He’s so annoying! This isn’t the first time, nor the last.  We go through periods where we just have to spend time apart.  It appears this time is coming again but there are other concerns to take into consideration.

I met this gentleman at the beginning of my sobriety, more than nine years ago.  He was an unlikely match but became a big influence in my life.  He and I have been there through the good and bad times.  I am more than grateful for his continued presence in my life.

Lately, I have noticed the affects of old age.  He’s lonely, needy, forgetful and, at times, just an unbreakable stubborn man.  He knows everything; he’s been everywhere, he’s done everything; he’s got all the answers, yet asks for my suggestions but doesn’t take them.

He’s suddenly in a mood to “downsize” since his move to a new apartment.  I mean literally getting rid of everything in his life.  At one point, he wanted to live in his car (during the Winter in NY) to save money for an apartment.  Finally, many of us convinced him to get an apartment, so he’s living in a studio apartment from a two-bedroom apartment.  Every time that I see him, he’s accumulated more and tries to pawn it off on me.  He just can’t understand the work, “No.”

In the last couple of months, his forgetfulness is increasing.  Sometimes I feel like I’m at work talking to own of my residents who has dementia.  So I practice patience to a point.  But many times I just clamp down my mouth because he wants to argue I’m wrong and he’s right.  For instance, he asked I take off the 25th and 26th to drive him down to his brothers.  I agree putting the request in work.  Yesterday, he wanted to know what time I would be over to take him to his brothers.  I reminded him he circled the dates in two weeks.  He apparently changed his mind, didn’t tell me, so now he’s arguing with me.  UGH.

Heart and Sassy, his cats, are also quite old (19 years – he says).  Sassy is not in good health.  Again, he’s been asking for me to take care of them. At first he didn’t want to take his cats with him to his new apartment.  He wanted me to take them.  Ummm….NO.  I’m just not ready for pets right now even though I love them both as my own.  According to him, “I can’t take care of them anymore.”  But they are in his new place doing fine, yet I don’t know how long Sassy will last.  As I look at the situation, I think he’s trying to avoid the inevitable, the cat’s  passing away.

The other day when I visited, I almost blew my top.  He asked for a suggestion but wouldn’t let me get a work in edgewise.  Instead, he talked over me about something else.  At one point, he got on his phone, put his headphones around my head and asked me to listen to the Abbot & Costello’s “Who is on first…” skit when I was trying to tell him something.  We also got into a small argument of I’m right and you’re wrong, which I simply conceded.  Apparently he’s been a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) but can’t tell me what CNA stands for? UGH.

Honestly, I see the decline in health and mental status.  It scares me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be there for him but I’m also afraid for his future.  We’ve agreed to his future wishes (end of life) and I’ll respect it.  I just don’t know if I’m prepared for it, right now.

Oh Gods, now I have to cry . . .

 

Rambling About Honesty

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

Since my sobriety I have learned there are times to be honest while there are also times to keep the mouth shut.  But there is also a time when the frustration, anger and other emotions get so bottled up, they tend to spout out.  These times are scary for me because I’m unsure of the consequences of my decisions.  This is a part of me I work on daily – sometimes I’m good at it, others I’m not.

As you may know I am a CNA.  It’s a rough job.  There are staffing issues, personality issues, company policy issues and most of us are just fed up.  No matter where I go, these type of issues are common everywhere.  However, “the company” hired a Supervisor, so I’ve tested the waters.

There is an employee that I work with, young in age and young in experience (like myself) who just pissed me off.  She might as well have gone home because I felt like I was the only one on the floor.  Her laziness and the need to be on her phone every minute is just unprofessional.

I patiently waited for the Sup to talk to her privately.  Our discussion started with the employee rolling to bigger issues at the end.  She insisted that I stay, “Stay and I will be your voice.”  But I’m skeptical because of my last job experience.  I’ve heard that before, backs tabbed, then was unemployed.  So now I wait.

It’s a cruel world. I have a duty to report certain things. But at the same time people can easily turn it around perhaps jeopardizing my own license.  Management attempted to do that already.  I don’t want to get in those situations again.

Unfortunately, while there is an alternative to seek other employment it’s just not that easy.  The standard of living is much higher in the County I work, therefore if I choose to work closer to home I would take a HUGE pay cut.  I also know facilities around here already have very bad reputations.  Yes, my drive would be cut by three hours a day.

But as I was reminded, “Why are you here?”  Honestly, its not the pay.  Don’t get me wrong, the pay is wonderful.  It’s the residents I have known for the last four months.  I enjoy them and they enjoy me.  I provide them what they want and haven’t received in a long time.  So it’s just not the Sup that is asking I stay, it’s also the residents that I take care of almost on a daily basis.

It’s a sticky situation.  It grinds at me every day.  Even on my days off like today.  People tell me, “You need to leave.  If you don’t bad things are going to happen.  You’re not happy.  You need to find somewhere there is a balance.  You have enough on your plate (sobriety).”  Yet, with only four months of experience, a brand new license (Nov 2016), I can’t expect much if I choose to leave.

This type of situation is going to follow me anywhere.  I just have to practice patience, self-control and be selfish (only worrying about me, not the others around me).  But many times doing such is easier said than done!

A Friend in Need

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, PersonalLeave a comment

Yesterday I was working on my spirituality, previously mentioned, when I received a Facebook message from an old friend.  This friend literally dropped off the face of the Earth about three years ago.  I assumed he relapsed. My intuition was right, as it often is the case when people relapse, their facebook account goes silent.  I convinced him to talk to me person to person, so I picked him up and we had a chat at a local Wendy’s.

To back track, I had attended a local Big Book reading meeting at 7 p.m. in which we discussed the first couple of pages of Chapter 2, There is a Solution. Honestly I haven’t been to a meeting in a couple of weeks and my Sponsor was up my arse to get to one, so I took his suggestion.  I’m glad that I did!

In a nutshell, my friend is living at home with his parents.  He’s been on Suboxone since he left the program but abuses it.  He’s also been prescribed Klonopin for his anxiety.  Now he’s been drinking for the last couple of months.  No job, no friends, just stays in his “man cave playing Counterstrike or Call of Duty until the early morning hours.  He’s miserable, ‘Mike, I have no life.’

We spoke for about an hour.  I reminded him of where he was and could go again, if he chooses to take my suggestions.  He talked about regretting his past, worrying about the future, etc.  I insisted that he not worry about either, “Concentrate on YOU, not the past or future.  TODAY what do you want to DO to turn your life around.”  He knows I’m a no excuses type guy, yet I still had to remind him.  It brought a smile to his face which I’m sure hasn’t happened in a while.  He thanked me for the needed conversation saying he would keep in touch.  I left the ball in his court with many options, “When you’re ready, make a solid commitment to me and I’ll be there to help in any way that I can, but you need to make that choice. I have faith that you can do this!”

My hope is to hear from him today. That is how our program works through our experience, strength and hope.  We shared both of our experiences, my strength in my sobriety and my hope for him he takes my suggestions so he can change his life around.

I am Responsible.
When Anyone, Anywhere
Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A.
Always To Be There.

And For That,
I Am Responsible !

 

A Look Inside

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

For the last few months, as mentioned in a couple of posts, I have not been happy with myself nor where I’m going in life.  At times like this, I tend to look towards my own spirituality.  Many moons ago, even before sobriety, I found something that I have believed in strongly but has a strong public stigma that rarely do I discuss it with others.

I am not a religious man.  Far from it.  I tend to not even discuss religious dogma with others because it always turns into an argument, so I just avoid such things “like the plague”.  However, I do respect all religions as we can learn something from each and every one of them.  My Path, as I simply call it, allows me free will to do things as I wish, however there are benefits and consequences for good or bad choices.

Okay, out with it – it’s called Witchcraft.  Yes, I am a Witch, Pagan, Heathen or whatever name you choose to label me because they are all basically the same. Just as with organized religions, we do and practice the same things just by different names and different ways. For now that is all I’ll say on the topic.

However, like a believer of organized religion, when life gets rough, I tend to look towards my spiritual beliefs for answers.  Through my own experiences, I know that I have the ability to change things, I just need a little help. However, that help involves dedication and practice.  The later, practice, is what is lacking in my life.

Year after year after year, I tell myself I’m going to become more dedicated in my spirituality.  I truly believe They intervened to guide me towards sobriety.  I strongly believe, on a daily basis (my Higher Powers), They help me with day to day struggles.  But many times I don’t feel my bond with Them is as strong as it should be.  Thus, I vowed to myself that in 2017, no matter what is going on in my life, I will make the time to dedicate and honor Them. For those not understanding my cryptic writing – there is a strong sense that I need to go back to church on a regular basis!

I’ve always been proud of who I am and my beliefs, thus the secrecy. This even ties in with the principles of AA, the Twelfth Tradition, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”  I have always found that interesting.