Rising Above It All

On By mikeykjrIn Personal5 Comments

This is a continuation of the last post – Round 2 – Sober Day 4 . . .

I got screwed but I have to accept the consequences of my decisions. As mentioned in the previous post, recent events turned my life upside down. This morning I woke up, clear headed, to make a decision to cut all ties.  It’s been done. I’m rising about it all.

Even before I dialed his number, I knew how this conversation was going to pan out.  For the couple of minutes we talked it was all about him, more lies and placing blame on me.  However, I kept my cool and my boundaries.

The guy who left stole from me draining my bank accounts and taking my rent money. I knew about the bank account because I let him do it. I take responsibility for it. The rent money I didn’t find out about until last night when I noticed the place I keep it was disturbed. I never told him I had cash of any kind on me because I always use my debit card. I know I should be calling the cops right now but I’m not because it’s not going to help me nor will it help anyone else. Yes, it may help prevent him from doing it to others but right now, I have to keep the focus on me. I don’t need to be distracted or add more drama to my life right now.

Honesty

I remember my ex-Sponsor saying, “I want you to be honest with me but more importantly be honest with yourself at all times.” Now, I have learned there are times to be honest with others and times you should not. This is a time I need to be honest with my landlord. So, the next right thing to do was to call the landlord to give him the bad news. I didn’t know what to expect but again, I am accepting all consequences of my decisions.  After giving the details he has agreed to extend my rent date to the 15th of March with a late fee.

I called my sister who, in the past, I haven’t had an ideal relationship. In the past, I have called her for money (and paid back) but it was going to start at square one again due to the relapse. I wasn’t calling for money at all, I was calling to tell her exactly what has hppened. This guy has agreed to NOT come to my house for any reason unless I make a specific committment of date and time.  But he’s an addict, a resourceful one, so I have my doubts. That was the basis of our conversation.

There was doubt in her voice. Doubt I would keep sobriety, doubt I was telling a lie. Trust I had built up with her in my ten years of sobriety, all gone. I’m okay with it, honestly. I understand. However, it was nice to bouce ideas off her on what I should do in regards to this guy. We came to the conclusion “there is really nothing you can do”. Something I didn’t keep true in my ten years of previous sobriety was keeping in contact with her.  I will make it a point in this new journey to do that on a consistent basis.

Making a Committment

Right here and now I am making a committment to myself to stay sober and live a sober life to the best of my ability. Why “to the best of my ability”? I live more than 30 miles from an AA meeting (I perfer in person meetings, NOT online – I can’t see a persons face to see if they are actually geniune.)  I’m in the position of not being able to do much.

I will not be able to attend a meeting until I get an income. While I expect some income from the last job on Friday, I’m not expecting much. It may be enough to get me back and forth to work for the rest of the week at the least, I simply don’t know.

Perhaps I should investigate online meetings – readers please comment!

Moving Forward

On a positive note, after I quit my job on Tuesday of last week, I got another job on Thursday. I start with orientation today (in an hour and a half). I was told I’ll be working with a particular person (whom I worked with before) from 3-11. I have to work day shift (7 a.m. to 3 p.m. a day, a couple of days, I’m not sure.  Whether I have to work with weekend is another qestion mark. Typically, new employees are exempt working weekends during probation or at least one. I’m not sure who this facility works that out but its a question I’m going to ask today. One of many questions.

In the meantime, I am going to get my head back into the Big Book and start reading it, especially the first 164 pages. Already it is hard to go through this with a fresh start, but I’m going to try start this new journey on a clean slate. I’m going to force myself to think as “you know nothing”. Obviously, I don’t – I drank and the consequences of that making stupid deicisons.

I will continue with this blog.  Obviously, I need to make some revisions. But, first and foremost, I will write about what is going on.  This blog has always been about my thoughts, feelings, a journal of my life. I’m not a writer. So, if you’ve been with me this long, please stick around. However, if you tired of “newbie” blogs, I completely understand.

 

 

Round 2 – Sober Day 4

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

Today is my fourth full day of sobriety.

I woke up today a completely different person. In recent days there were a series of events I’ve kept to myself because I thought I could handle it alone. I’ve known this is the wrong decision from the beginning, but what was done is done. I, as well as many addicts and recovering addicts deal with issues of codependency. Codependency for me is the process of helping others because you think by doing so you’re helping yourself. Instead, you just ignoring yourself, your own sobriety and making matters worse believing by “fixing” another person’s problems you’re fixing yourself. We’ll all absolutely wrong to think it!

A Brief History

Last week, when I was still drinking, I picked up a friend because he was kicked out of his house, no where to go, sober and needed a place to stay to “clear his head”. Without a thought I made the long trip to pick him up to bring him home. Actually, my thought was, if he’s sober, he can help me get sober. But deep down inside something wasn’t right and I ignored it. Typical when your in active addiction. A couple days later my world has been turned upside down. I’m going through the same situation I have gone through before, years ago.

Yesterday, after much frustration, I confronted him. He’s not sober at all. Thankfully today, he’s back at his parent’s house trying to swindle them instead of me. So now I have resentment, guilt, shame and a host of other feelings. But I know what must be done.

What now?

This is going to be the first big step in my new life of sobriety. I will NOT guarantee things will go smoothly. My ex-sponsor always said, “Don’t expect anything because if you do and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed which leads to resentment.” But my experience has taught me, when you’re trying to get sober yourself, it’s best to cut all ties.

The Focus Right Now is ME and MY soberity

First, thank you bgddyjim, the author of another sober blog I read (Fit Recovery, Stay Clean Get Fit). In a recent comment, bgddyjim (the author) commented on a post of mine:

“…without recovery none of that other crap matters.
The job, the apartment or home, the wifeand kids…
without recovery none of that stuff is possible.”

If I want to stay sober, the focus needs to be ME. Perhaps I’m wrong to think this – when it comes to my sobriety, nothing else matters but ME. Already is my first couple days of my sobriety, I have enough issues. Everything else doesn’t matter right now.

 

 

 

 

 

DR – February 21, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 21, 2018:

Daily Reflection

I’M PART OF THE WHOLE

At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . .

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225

When I first came to A.A., I decided that “they” were very nice people — perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw “them” at meetings—after all, that was where “they” existed. I shook hands with “them” and, when I went out the door, I forgot about “them.”

Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not then believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of A.A., but one which happened to involve many A.A. members. We worked together, I got to know “them” as people. I came to admire “them,” even to like “them” and, in spite of myself, to enjoy “them.” “Their” practice of the program in their daily lives—not just in talk at meetings—attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the “they” became “we.” I have not had a drink since.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“The basic principles of the A.A. program, it appears, hold good for individuals with many different lifestyles, just as the program has brought recovery to those of many different nationalities. The Twelve Steps that summarize the program may be called los Doce Pasos in one country, les Douze Etapes in another, but they trace exactly the same path to recovery that was blazed by the earliest members of Alcoholics Anonymous.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Foreward To Third Edition, Page

Keep It Simple

It easier to speak of love, than to practice it. –Anonymous

Do we help our neighbor who is in need? We must help when we see the need, not just when it fits our schedule. In the program, this becomes our goal. We work at helping out. For example, when someone is needed to run the meeting, we offer. We see that the needs of the group are also our needs. We are the group. Over time, the idea of service spreads to the rest of our lives. Maybe we help a family down the street. We start to see that we have something to offer the world; ourselves. We start to see that the needs of the world are also our needs. We are an important part of the world.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, make me quick to act when I see a need. Please don’t let my fear stop me..

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list what I have to offer the world. I will think of two ways I can use these gifts my Higher Power has given me.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Concentrating on work isn’t easy today, especially if your fantasies are carrying you off to exotic places. But don’t mistake your daydreams for real plans as your mind runs free now, unencumbered from the practicalities of the mundane world. Sharing your ideas with others can move you closer to making your dreams come true. Listen carefully to the feedback and implement the best ideas you receive. Selective filtering enables you to turn an impossible scenario into a reachable goal.

Taking it One Day At A Time

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings7 Comments

My new sobriety date is February 18, 2018.

This is Round 2, the first few days of my new sobriety. The last couple of days have been difficult for me. I am going through withdrawal, physical withdrawal but there is no “want” or “need” to drink. I hadn’t slept or eat anything in the last two days, now just getting myself off the damn bed. Unfortunately, there are a series of events, besides my sobriety I must tackle together.

I am scrared as my blood pressure is now spiked to a 163/88 with a pulse of 66 to a last reading of 160/103 with a pulse of 83 at 4:30 this morning. There is a realization at any moment I could have a stroke/heart attack. I had a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) in May 2011, so I’ve been on high blood pressure and high cholesterol medication since then. Unfortunately, I waited to long to establish a primary care here where I live, missed my appointment yesterday sleeping and haven’t had them in more than a week which could contribute to my current condition. Luckily I have a friend staying with me but he’s going through his own “shit” right now which also has involved me.

I go to my new job tomorrow for two hours for orientation. Supposedly I’ll work Thursday and Friday during the day, then have the weekend off, I believe but could be wrong. I may request the weekend off, I may work it depending on my condition. I’m looking forward to the new environment but am skeptic it’s really going to make a difference. I won’t know until I start work on Thursday.

In the meantime, I’m getting out today. I have to take a road trip with my friend to his parent’s house. It’s long drive but will be good, perhaps for the both of us. We both need the fresh air and not isolate ourselves here.

I’m taking it “One Day at a Time”.

DR – February 20, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 20, 2018:

Daily Reflection

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 26

Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else’s laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightness of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.

When my A.A. sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, To Wives, Page 120~

Keep It Simple

Let Go and Let God.—Twelve Step slogan

Some days we might ask ourselves, Is it worth it? We feel alone. No one seems to care.

Life seems hard. Recovery seems hard. This is when we need to slow down and take a look at what’s going on. We’re feeling this way because we’re off our recovery path. We may be back into wanting people to see things our way. We want control. Remember, all problems are not our problems. All work is not our work. We can’t have everything the way we want it. But we can do our part and let go of the rest. Than we can feel better.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me remember my only work today is to do Your will for me. It is not my job to be You.

Action for the Day:
I’ll talk with my sponsor or a program friend today. I’ll talk about how to deal with things that seems to pull me down.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Separating your unconscious fantasies from patterns in the real world can be tricky business today. However, your unexpressed hopes and dreams leak into nearly every interaction now, infusing even the simplest discussion with mixed signals. Thankfully, the simplistic Taurus Moon encourages you to limit your communication to the most practical issues, so you can get your message across without upsetting anyone else. Psychologist Hans Selye wrote, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.”

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tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

DR – February 19, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 19, 2018:

Daily Reflection

I’M NOT DIFFERENT

In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the “high bottoms, ” the women said they were different; . . . The Skid-Rower said he was different . . . so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. . . . nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down.

~AS BILL SEES IT, p. 24

I cannot consider myself “different” in A.A.; if I do I isolate myself from others and from contact with my Higher Power. If I feel isolated in A.A., it is not something for which others are responsible.

It is something I’ve created by feeling I’m “different” in some way.

Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 99

Keep It Simple

Changing brings questions, and questions bring change. —Anonymous

What am I becoming? How do I know if what I’m doing is right? Is it best for me? We are full of questions. Often, times of question a are times of change. We are becoming something new, and there is always a little fear of change. Luckily, we don’t need to know what we are becoming to find peace. What we need to know is what we believe in. And we’ll become what we believe in. If we believe in sobriety, we’ll be sober. If we believe in honestly, we’ll struggle to be more honest. We must give ourselves the freedom of becoming. Becoming means we’re on a trip, a journey. Over time, becoming takes on a comfort of its own.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, what am I becoming? I give up having to know the answer. All I need to believe is that You love me and will do what is best for me.

Action for the Day:
I’ll ask lots of questions. Often, the question is more important than the answer.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You might be caught off guard by a wave of anxiety today. Although you may believe that if you don’t do it now — whatever it is — you will lose the chance. But your fear of missing a wonderful opportunity could motivate you to make a reckless decision that won’t bring you any closer to happiness. Your current sense of urgency is temporary. If your intentions are clear and your goals are sound, you don’t need to jump. Building momentum over the next few days increases your chances for success.

 

DR – February 18, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 18, 2018:

Daily Reflection

OUR PATHS ARE OUR OWN

… there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.

~ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

My first attempt at the Steps was one of obligation and necessity, which resulted in a deep feeling of discouragement in the face of all those adverbs: courageously; completely; humbly; directly; and only. I considered Bill W. fortunate to have gone through such a major, even sensational, spiritual experience. I had to discover, as time went on, that my path was my own. After a few twenty-four hours in the A.A. Fellowship, thanks especially to the sharing of members in meetings, I understood that everyone gradually finds his or her own pace in moving through the Steps. Through progressive means, I try to live according to these suggested principles. As a result of these Steps, I can say today that my attitude towards life, people, and towards anything having to do with God, has been transformed and improved.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Foreword To First Edition, pg. xiii~

Keep It Simple

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. Spanish proverb

Gossip can kill the trust in a Twelve Step program. We all need to feel safe when we share our personal lives with others. We need to know our private business won’t spread around.

We can do two things to help keep the trust in our groups, and in the rest of our lives too. First, don’t gossip. Second, don’t listen to gossip about others.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me mind my own business today. Help me honor the trust of my friends by not gossiping.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think of two ways to stop someone from telling me gossip. Then, I’ll put those ways to use.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Imagining that your dreams will come true helps to build your confidence today, but the fact is that it really doesn’t matter what happens in the future. The act of consciously conjuring up idealistic visions is sufficient for now. It’s best to avoid making concrete plans yet because a practical approach could place artificial limits on your fantasies. J.M. Barrie, author of “Peter Pan” wrote, “The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.”

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tags
#daily readings, #sober, #sobriety, #sober living, #recovery

DR – February 17, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 17, 2018:

Daily Reflection

THE LOVE IN THEIR EYES

Some of us won’t believe in God, others can’t, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 25

It was the changes I saw in the new people who came into the Fellowship that helped me lose my fear, and change my negative attitude to a positive one. I could see the love in their eyes and I was impressed by how much their “One Day at a Time” sobriety meant to them. They had looked squarely at Step Two and came to believe that a power greater than themselves was restoring them to sanity. That gave me faith in the Fellowship, and hope that it could work for me too. I found that God was a loving God, not that punishing God I feared before coming to A.A. I also found that He had been with me during all those times I had been in trouble before I came to A.A. I know today that He was the one who led me to A.A. and that I am a miracle.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, ‘Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’

That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 12~

Keep It Simple

. . . no one who learns to know himself remains just what he was before—Thomas Mann

Deep inside, we all know that we’re changing. It started when we took Step One. We learned and accepted something new about ourselves. That changed us, just a little. We no longer wanted to live as addicts. That meant we had to change and to learn to live sober. It’s been nonstop ever since: learn about ourselves, change a little, learn about ourselves, change a little more, and so on. All we know is that each step of learning and changing makes life better. How long can it keep getting better? As long as we keep learning to know ourselves.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, teach me about myself today. Teach me gently.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll think about what I’ve learned about myself by working the program. I’ll list five things.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You are soaking in every minute nuance of your current experiences, but it might appear as if your mind is lost in space. However, you’re so attentive today that you don’t miss a trick. Perhaps your uncharacteristic spontaneity leads people to believe that you already have made your plans for the day. Although your reactions could send the wrong message, your contemplative nature is still running the show. Don’t worry about anyone else’s judgements; just continue to observe your environment, along with the reactions of your heart. Following your bliss inspires others to do the same.

DR – February 16, 2018

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings

Daily Recovery Readings for February 16, 2018:

Daily Reflection

COMMITMENT

“Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living.”

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 125

There came a time in my program of recovery when the third stanza of the Serenity Prayer — “The wisdom to know the difference” — became indelibly imprinted in my mind. From that time on, I had to
face the ever-present knowledge that my every action, word and thought was within, or outside, the principles of the program. I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization, nor behind the insanity of my disease. The only course open to me, if I was to attain a joyous life for myself (and subsequently for those I love), was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsibility.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“we have ceased fighting anything or anyone— even alcohol.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg. 84~

Keep It Simple

Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.
––John D. MacDonald

We need to remember that relationships are made up of people—people who are strong, but also fragile.

We don’t break easily, but we do break. We need to be aware of how fragile relationships are. Don’t say something that will hurt others even if it’s honest. It’s mean to be honest with someone, without showing that you care for the person’s feelings. We can learn to be honest without being cruel. The backbone of any relationship is this: we need to honor the rules and agreements we make. If we promise to be faithful to someone, we follow this rule. And we need to trust the other person to do the same. When we see that our agreements don’t work, we need to go to that person and talk about them.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, help me become a person who honors rules and agreements in my relationships.

Actions for the Day:
I’ll make no promises today that I will not keep.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your daydreams are sweetened with magical adventures and romantic encounters today. Slipping in and out of your imaginative wanderings is enjoyable enough that people might question the source of your current happiness. However, you’re probably not inclined to share your fantasies because you’re afraid others will tell you how unrealistic they are. Nevertheless, you cling to the possibility of making them come true. Albert Einstein wrote, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”

 

New Chapters in Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

This week was full of ups and downs, as life is most days. I quit my job, I relapsed, I got another job and I’m helping a friend who is now staying with me. While I’m actively drinking, I am attempting to cut down so withdrawal symptoms aren’t severe. But the future looks bright and I have hope again!

For those sending messages or emails, my apologies for not answering them. At first I got tired of all the “suggestions”. At the same time, I’m attempting to start again with an attitude of  “I don’t know anything” instead of “I know . .”. Honestly, I relapsed because I wanted to. I simply gave up. Plain and simple.

There is a since of relief I quit my job. But then there came worry about finding another. But ex-coworkers told me, “Mike, you’ll get a job in no time, trust me.” Honestly, I didn’t believe them. Then I received messages saying I was expected somewhere, so all I had to do was apply and I would have a job. It was TRUE. I went to another facility, filled out an application and I’ll be starting my new job on Wednesday of next week.

In the meantime an old friend needed some help. Despite my own problems, I reached out my hand. He’s a recovering addict who fell on hard times with a girlfriend. He’s now staying with me for a while to clear his head. At the same time, he knows my situation and so we have a plan.

Lastly, I have begun the hard task of tapering my drinking. In the last two days I have had six beers total. It helps to have another sober person in the house. On the other hand, its not ideal to just suddenly quit either. Why?  For those who are not aware, alcohol withdrawal if not properly managed can/will lead to death. When I’m more clear headed perhaps I’ll post my views on that subject. For now, its not a reason to keep drinking, believe me. My friend is going through a lot already.

So this is where I am today.