DR – December 16, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 16, 2017:

Daily Reflection

PARTNERS IN RECOVERY

. . . nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. . . .

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. . . . Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 89, 100

Doing the right things for the right reasons — this is my way of controlling my selfishness and self-centeredness. I realize that my dependency on a Higher Power clears the way for peace of mind, happiness and sobriety. I pray each day that I will avoid my previous actions, so that I will be helpful to others.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

” I had always believed in a Power greater that myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes no where.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 10~

Keep It Simple

Charity sees the need, not the cause.–German proverb.

Charity is not just giving money to good causes. Charity is having a heart that’s ready to give. Charity is helping a friend at two in the morning. Charity is going early to the meeting to put on coffee without being asked.
Service is how Twelve Step programs refer to “Charity”. Service and charity are a lifestyle. We see a need, so we try to help. Our values and our heart will guide us in how we help. Service is a big part of our program. Service helps us think of others, not just of ourselves. We stop asking, “What’s in it for me?” The act of helping others is what’s in it for us. Sobriety is what’s in it for us. Serenity is what’s in it for us.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, You have given me many talents. Help me see how my talents can make the world a better place. Giving of myself is believing in You and myself.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list my talents and I’ll think of ways I can use them to help others.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Your excitement about starting a new project or possibly switching jobs adds a touch of instability to your world. You know that a change of routine is overdue, but you’re not sure if this is the right moment to turn your life upside down. The timing of your transition is less important than your attitude about it. Remaining open-minded is the secret to allowing everything to unfold organically at its own pace. Less worry, less stress.

DR – December 15, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 15, 2017:

Daily Reflection

DOING ANYTHING TO HELP

Offer him [the alcoholic] friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 95

I remember how attracted I was to the two men from A.A. who Twelfth-Stepped me. They said I could have what they had, with no conditions attached, that all I had to do was make my own decision to join them on the pathway to recovery. When I start convincing a newcomer to do things my way, I forget how helpful those two men were to me in
their open-minded generosity.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 20

Keep It Simple

As ass is beautiful to an ass, and a pig to a pig.— English proverb.

When we see someone drunk and out of control, can we see the beautiful person inside them?

If we can’t, who will? Step Twelve reminds us that we have to help the alcoholic or other drug addict who suffers. This task has been given to us because we, most of all, should be able to look past the drunkenness and see the person. We were there. We know what it’s like to be trapped in a world without meaning. If these memories have faded, we may need to go back over Step One. We may find ourselves angry with the practicing drunk or other drug addict. This is a sign that we have gotten too far from our past. Remember, “But for the grace of God…”

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, Help me remember my past and what it’s like now. This helps me care about the person who still suffers.

Action for the Day: Today, I’ll respect my illness. I’ll look for the beauty inside every drunk and other drug addict.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You know where your current routines fall short of your highest ideals and you truly want to improve your lifestyle. You might share your ideas about cleaning up your diet, but verbalizing your intentions is not the same as putting a plan into action. Unfortunately, you could talk yourself out of initiating a healthier regimen because of a past failure. However, experience is the best teacher. Just start small and watch the benefits grow over time.

DR – December 14, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 14, 2017:

Daily Reflection

REACHING OUT

Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 95

When I come into contact with a newcomer, do I have a tendency to look at him from my perceived angle of success in A.A.? Do I compare him with the large number of acquaintances I have made in the Fellowship? Do I point out to him in a magisterial way the voice of A.A.? What is my real attitude toward him? I must examine myself whenever I meet a newcomer to make sure that I am carrying the message with simplicity, humility and generosity. The one who still suffers from the terrible disease of alcoholism must find in me a friend who will allow him to get to know the A.A. way, because I had such a friend when I arrived in A.A. Today it is my turn to hold out my hand, with love, to my sister or brother alcoholic, and to show her or him the way to happiness.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 133~

Keep It Simple

Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is broken winged bird that cannot fly.
–Langston Hughes

Many of our dreams died as our addiction got worse. We felt the loss but couldn’t speak it. With recovery, we regain our ability to dream. Dreams of sharing our lives with family and friends return. They push out thoughts of getting high. Dreams of pride and self-respect reappear. They replace the awful feeling of shame. Like the quote above says, “Hold fast to dreams….” Our dreams are our wishes for the future.

They hold a picture of who we want to be. In our dreams, we let our spirits soar. Often, we fell close to God, others and ourselves. Thanks God, we can dream again.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, thanks to you, my wings have been mended. Guide me as I fly.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll take time out to dream and share my dream with those I love.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You are on a creative jag today, but still need to balance your artistic pursuits with your mundane responsibilities. One way to maximize your current enthusiasm is to make a schedule and stick to it. Some people may think that inspiration can’t fit into a time slot, but a certain amount of structure works well for you now. You will be happy to discover that your self-expression doesn’t need to negatively impact your job performance. In fact, a little distraction at the right time improves your overall productivity.

DR – December 13, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 13, 2017:

Daily Reflection

THINKING OF OTHERS

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 20

Thinking of others has never come easily to me. Even when I try to work the A.A. program, I’m prone to thinking, “How do I feel today. Am I happy, joyous and free?”

The program tells me that my thoughts must reach out to those around me: “Would that newcomer welcome someone to talk to?” “That person looks a little unhappy today, maybe I could cheer him up.” It is only when I forget my problems, and reach out to contribute something to others that I can begin to attain the serenity and God-consciousness I seek.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 16~

Keep It Simple

Live and Let Live–AA slogan

In our addiction, we didn’t care. We didn’t care about other people, even though we wanted to. We just didn’t come through for them in ways that mattered. We didn’t care for ourselves. We let bad things happen to us. We didn’t care about living. We set no goals, had no fun, smelled no flowers.

In our recovery, we do care. We care about others, ourselves, and life. Our spirits are on the move again.

There’s life in our hearts. Our bodies are getting well. And we’re daring to dream. We’re living!

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, put some life and energy into me today. Help me love my new life.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll focus on being alive. As I breathe in, I’ll gather more and more life energy from nature.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Although you already have a busy work schedule today, you can’t ignore your muse when she stops by for a visit. You might not like the timing of your creative urges, but something tells you that you must respond immediately when the waves of inspiration wash over you. Nevertheless, you can’t walk away from your regular responsibilities since they won’t take care of themselves on their own. Cicero wrote, “Whether it’s public or private life, nothing is devoid of moral obligations.”

DR – December 12, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 12, 2017:

Daily Reflection

A COMMON SOLUTION

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 17

The most far-reaching Twelfth Step work was the publication of our Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Few can equal that book for carrying the message. My idea is to get out of myself and simply do
what I can. Even if I haven’t been asked to sponsor and my phone rarely rings, I am still able to do Twelfth Step work. I get involved in “brotherly and harmonious action.” At meetings I show up early to greet people and to help set up, and to share my experience, strength and hope. I also do what I can with service work. My Higher Power gives me exactly what He wants me to do at any given point in my recovery and, if I let Him, my willingness will bring Twelfth Step work automatically.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, pg. 153~

Keep It Simple

God gave us memory that we might have roses in December.–James M. Barrie.

Do you remember what it was like to not have sobriety? Remember the shame? Remember the loneliness? Remember lying and wishing you could stop? Remember the powerlessness? Do you remember, also, how it felt when you began to believe you had an illness? Your shame was lifted. Remember what it was like to look around at your meeting and know you belonged? Your loneliness was lifted. Remember when you family started to trust you again? Your dishonesty had been lifted. Sobriety gives us many roses. Our memory will help to keep them fresh.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, never let me forget what it was like. Why? Because I’m only one drink or pill away from losing You.

Action for the Day: I’ll find a friend I trust. I’ll tell that person what my life was like before sobriety. I’ll also talk about how I got sober.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You have big ideas about how to improve your working conditions so you can feel more comfortable on the job. Unfortunately, the practical constraints of reality don’t necessarily support your hopes today. Although you’re often willing to quietly wait for the right moment to initiate action, you may fervently believe that the best time to act is now. Nevertheless, another round of reconsideration might be exactly what the doctor ordered. A fresh perspective widens your options.

DR – December 11, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 11, 2017:

Daily Reflection

A GENUINE HUMILITY

. . . . we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This is to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 192

Experience has taught me that my alcoholic personality tends to be grandiose. While having seemingly good intentions, I can go off on tangents in pursuit of my “causes.” My ego takes over and I lose sight of my primary purpose. I may even take credit for God’s handiwork in my life. Such an overstated feeling of my own importance is dangerous to my sobriety and could cause great harm to A.A. as a whole. My safeguard, the Twelfth Tradition, serves to keep me humble. I realize, both as an individual and as a member of the Fellowship, that I cannot boast of my accomplishments, and that “God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 8

Keep It Simple

When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.–Tuli Keupferberg.

Recovery has happened to us. We stopped drinking or using other drugs and, like magic, a new world appeared. Being sober sure shakes up a person’s life! It’s good to shake up our world every now and then. This way, we see there’s not just one “world”, but many. We grow each time we step into a new world and learn new things. Of course, the addict’s world was new and exciting to us at one time. But we got trapped and couldn’t find our way out. Our Higher Power had to free us. We need to try new worlds, but we always need to take our Higher Power with us–into worlds where there’s honesty, love, and trust.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, lead me to new worlds where I’ll learn more about living fully.

Action for the Day:
I’ll list 3 ways I can step into a new world today. For example, I could read something new, go to a museum, or eat a new food.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You’re trying to keep your unexpressed feelings from impacting a current relationship. However, in your attempt to stay calm, you may come across less emotionally available than you actually are. Nevertheless, making a commitment to be honest sets the underlying tone for the day. Don’t miss this opportunity to be as real as you possibly can. It’s unnecessary to fabricate a story, since you won’t be criticized if you simply tell the truth right from the start. Transparency is your not-so-secret weapon.

DR – December 10, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 10, 2017:

Daily Reflection

CARRYING THE MESSAGE

Now, what about the rest of the Twelfth Step? The wonderful energy it releases and the eager action by which it carries our message to the next suffering alcoholic and which finally translates the Twelve Steps into action upon all our affairs is the payoff, the magnificent reality, of Alcoholics Anonymous.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 109

To renounce the alcoholic world is not to abandon it, but to act upon principles I have come to love and cherish, and to restore in others who still suffer the serenity I have come to know. When I am truly committed to this purpose, it matters little what clothes I wear or how I make a living. My task is to carry the message, and to lead by example, not design.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 16~

Keep It Simple

Kindness in giving creates love. –Lao-tzu.

In our illness, we takers. Now, we’ve changed this around. We are now givers. Giving is a big part of recovery. Our word for it is service. Our program is based on care, respect, and service. Our program tells us to “practice these principles in all our affairs.” No matter if it’s getting to our meeting early to put on the coffee, or going on a Twelfth Step call, we are giving of ourselves. We give so that we know we can make a difference. We give so that we can know how to love better. The healing power of recovery is love. As we give love and kindness to others, we heal. Why? Because people grow by giving kindness and love to others.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power with Your help I’ll be a kind and loving giver. I’ll look for way to share Your kindness.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll list five ways I can be of service to others. I’ll put at least one of these ways into action today.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You might believe your life is spinning out of control today with your thoughts and emotions leading you on a wild goose chase. Nearly every fantasy seems worth pursuing at first, but then reality sets in, revealing why you can’t reach your goal. But there’s no room for entertaining feelings of self-doubt; you can’t afford to quit now. Fortunately, your logic is sound enough to bring you back down to earth, prompting you to reconsider recent choices and modify your strategy as needed. John C. Maxwell wrote, “Dreams don’t work unless you do.”

DR – December 9, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 9, 2017:

Daily Reflection

LOVE WITH NO PRICE TAG

When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 106

In order for me to start working the Twelfth Step, I had to work on sincerity and honesty, and to learn to act with humility. Carrying the message is a gift of myself, no matter how many years of sobriety I may have accumulated. My dreams can become reality. I solidify my sobriety by sharing what I have received freely. As I look back to that time when I began my recovery, there was already a seed of hope that I could help another drunk pull himself out of his alcoholic mire. My wish to help another drunk is the key to my spiritual health. But I never forget that God acts through me. I am only His instrument.

Even if the other person is not ready, there is success, because my effort in his behalf has helped me to remain sober and to become stronger. To act, to never grow weary in my Twelfth Step work, is the key. If I am capable of laughing today, let me not forget those days when I cried. God reminds me that I can feel compassion!

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is need or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, pg. 97

Keep It Simple

There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.–Frankfort Moore.

A.A. is a fellowship united against the same enemy–alcoholism. Our bonds give us strength to recover. We may not even know each other’s last name, but we’ll do anything to help each other stay sober. Our illness has taken much. But it has also given us much. We have millions of new friends. Almost anywhere in the world, we can find a member of our fellowship. Our new way of life depends on the strength of the fellowship. We should do nothing to weaken it. When you don’t feel like going to a meeting–go, not only for yourself but for the sake of the fellowship. It truly needs you.

Prayer for the Day:
Higher Power, You have given me A. A. Now help me to keep it going. A.A. needs me, just as I need A.A. Help me give even when I don’t want to.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll give back to the program. I’ll call a new member, volunteer to put on a meeting, or make the coffee.”

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

No matter how hard you try, you still can’t escape your feelings. Mars moves into your 5th House of Romance today, nudging you to listen to your heart and share your needs with someone special. You may be quite comfortable diving into the murky emotional waters, enjoying the chance to wallow in the intensity for a while. There is a powerful energy in the air now, yet you can’t help but gleefully anticipate the holiday madness. Sir George Savile said, “A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else.”

DR – December 8, 2017

Daily Recovery Readings for December 8, 2017:

<b><u>Daily Reflection</u></b>

SERVICE

Life will take on a new meaning. To watch people recover,to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you. to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss. . . . Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 89

It is through service that the greatest rewards are to be found. But to be in a position of offering true, useful and effective service to others, I must first work on myself. This means that I have to abandon myself to God, admitting my faults and clearing away the wreckage of my past. Work on myself has taught me how to find the necessary peace and serenity to successfully merge inspiration and experience. I have learned how to be, in the truest sense, an open channel of sobriety.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

<b><u>Big Book Quote</u></b>

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 66~

<b><u>Keep It Simple</u></b>

“When I was about 12, I used to think I must be a genius, but nobody’s noticed.”—John Lennon.

“We all have secret ideas about ourselves. How often we have said to ourselves, If only They knew…But if we watch others, we see that many of their ideas are not so secret. We can often guess how they see themselves by the way they act. We all act out our secrets. Faith means trusting our Higher Power with our secrets. Faith in others means trusting them with our secret feelings. Why share these secrets? When we were using alcohol or other drugs we lived too much in a secret world. We need to give up the secrets that keep us from others. We need others in our lives. Our spirits need to be close to others.

Prayer for the Day:
God, help me to live in ways I’m not ashamed to tell others. Allow me to meet you and others, free of shame.

Action for the Day:
Today, I’ll share one of my secrets w/ a loving friend.”

<b><u>Daily Horoscope – Cancer</u></b>

You may start off today like there’s no tomorrow. But you might work at such a fevered pace that you lose sight of your ambitious goal. You certainly don’t want to be exhausted before you fulfill your obligations. Unfortunately, if you slow down to conserve your energy, you could lose momentum. Although you’re attracted to extreme solutions now, the moderate ones are the most enduring. A Yiddish proverb warns: “Measure twice, cut once.”

Memories – The Raw, Unedited Truth

As mentioned in the post, The Pack Rat , I dug out my old journals from the beginning of my sobriety. They were tucked away in my filing cabinet which I haven’t opened since I moved here in July. I have a notepad dated, “12/1 – 12/28”. During my rereading and transcribing, I had to take breaks of crying and deep breathing. I just learned that parts of my story I have told for years are a little off – oh well. It is my hope this helps people of all kinds dealing with addiction or someone they know with addiction. This is the raw, unedited truth of what goes on in a person’s head of an active addict.

Now I have to admit something. The first four days, which I spent in detox, I don’t remember much at all because I was doped on Valium. Now, I have to bring up a point. Alcohol is the only substance in which you can die as a result of withdrawal symptoms. This argument, which I have had with countless others, is something I will perhaps share later. The point is my tremors were so bad and the concern of more harm to my body so great I was given “drugs” during the withdrawal process. Therefore, this whole entry was actually written on the first day of my stay in rehabilitation.

scroll

Friday, November 31st to Saturday, December 1, 2007

The Hardest Day of my Life

One of the hardest days of my life. Woke up at 3a.m. cracking open a beer or maybe it was six. My mind started to wander. Thousand thoughts going through my head. Can’t recall everything it was so fast.

** blank for three hours **

At 1pm I had my last beer. Something snapped, I’m not going to Gary’s. I’ll just make coffee. As soon as that first gulp goes down and smoking a pack of cigarettes in the process I was going to ask Gary for a beer. But my first intuition strongly told me, “No!”. I kept my word.

Than later in the afternoon I thought about what I called, bad thoughts. I had no intention of killing myself physically but images of, “What is going to happen now? Will I lose everything: my home, possessions and family [written almost unreadable].” Unconsciously I thought, “It doesn’t matter ‘cus no one cares.”

So I made the decision to start smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. The tremors started to get extreme. I couldn’t think straight. Moox swings from one extreme to another. Absolute balling to extreme anger. Tasha wasn’t much help as she was in heat. I was going to wait until 8 or 9 am to Gary for a rid. But at this point I was afraid that if I did anything I would snap into some unconscious alter ego. If done, with thoughts of “wanting everything to end.”

** Sleep – Valium kicking in . . . ***

But wasn’t again it was something consciously I was thinking it was my fear that subconsciously something was going to happen. Because if I snapped, did something to harm myself, no one really cared and days later when my body was rotting in my trailer.

At this point I had drank another five cups of coffee, smoked another pack of cigs and the nerves were on edge. At times I would walk around the house in my underwear trembling until I could repress the emotions. Another breaking point coming…

The thing holding me from calling 911 was Tasha. She’s in heat and she annoyed the hell out of me. Licking my feet, smuggling next to besides my body and the keyboard. The instant yapping put me in a rage. I would shoo her off the bd, she would return up above my head. I wanted to punch the wall or throw a book at her. Two hours later went by she got the hint and slept somewhere. Meanwhile, I crawled into a fetal passion [position] for two hours try[ing] to fixate myself on something to clear my head. Bad thoughts again.

[Middle of the night, December 1 . . .]

I talked to Jeanne. After a long conversation with her she got quite concerned. She demanded I call 911 or ask the neighbor to drive me. She was very worried to let me go but had to go to sleep herself.

Two hours went by…

I wasn’t going to call 911 for EMS or cops. Confidentiality my ass. Before I was an EMS member, confidentiality has non-existent. Nor has I wanting to get Gary. He’s an alcoholic too and I know he would gossip. Bad thoughts, shaking, mood swings from right to left. I didn’t know who [how] much I could take.

Jeanne was going to call CCP at Binghamton General. But she had other priorities too. So at least by [???]

I still couldn’t concentrate. I ended up watching TV on the internet to pass time. Coffee got cold, I was change [chain] smoking.

Laster that morning Jeanette called back. After just a few moments, she said she felt that I was much worse and was very concerned for my safety. She was going to call CCP Bing because I had other criminal concerns. Mood swing. If I incriminated myself what would happen. She said not to say a word but she wasn’t sure. She asked for my address. She would call CCP and get back to me. I expected a case worker or EMS and cops to show up. I started cleaning my pigsty.

Behold a cop I meant before showed up at 1100. We talked for an hour or so. He contested that he didn’t feel leaving me alone was going to be a good idea, so he was going to drive me to Binghamton General. On the way there all I could think about was my arrest for DUI. Also, “What am I doing? I have literally no life. Tasha, WTF?” He didn’t say a word the whole way. He directed me to ER. I was met by an ER male nurse.

He took prelim info. I was a crazy caze [? – hot mess?]. I couldn’t clearly explain but after some talking I was called down. Than the admin clerk that was quick. Maybe fifteen minutes later I was in the ER. No question I was going to Detox unit. I was lead to a room. Nice – three patients and just me present. It’s cold as hell in the ER.

I was at the ER at 1:15pm. As usual I was left to my own thoughts, not good ones. Mood experiences. I would ball about crying. I could return, what about Tasha. The trl (trailer) I could care less about. I thought of moving to some state to start over. At pts [points] I would stare at the walls to keep sane. I had mixed reactions – bell would go off and I wanted to punch the wall. Other balling moments. At one point luckily when the detox guy came in I was a mess again. Flight or fight mood. My hands were clinched. I had a thought $4 in my pocket, I don’t know where I am, I didn’t know where I was but I could get a beer, find a store and get run over and I wouldn’t care. He confirmed I was getting a bed and admitted.

By this time it was six. Still in street clothes. I was given a prelim physical and the history assessment. Dinner at seven. I was in bed by at [8 pm ?] but woken up 2-3 hours for stats and meds.
Good night.