Category: Personal

A Little About Me – Programming

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

I got the programming bug before the Internet existed. Then the Internet was born with a platform I could understand. It’s stuck with me ever since. Eventually, I attended college to get my Associate’s Degree in Computer Science. A lot of money for nothing and still paying on it. Today, I continue to dabble in HTML, CSS, MySQL, and PHP. This works out great for the game I play, Achaea – Dreams of Divine Lands.

In the early 1980’s, a friend of mine, Andy, had an Apple I computer. He taught me how to program in BASIC. We didn’t do much, but we tinkered around with some silly stuff. For some reason, I got the bug for programming.

My father bought a computer with Windows 1, the first operating system from Microsoft. Not sure why he bought one, perhaps it was just a ‘thing’ to have at the time. I spent more time on that computer than my father. Then the Internet was born; the world as we know it changed. We signed up with America Online (AOL). It was the only trusted provider available at the time. Building you’re own website became the thing. It wasn’t hard to do at all and I had lots of fun at it while learning HTML.

Eventually, I had a chance to attend college. I immediately chose a path to study for an Associate’s in Computer Science. Tech was taking off in all directions, so I thought that would be my best road to my future. Unfortunately, the degree wasn’t worth the paper it was written on, nor the amount of money I paid in student loans. Despite this, I continued to learn various computer programs over the years on my own, not really becoming proficient in any.

Now the present…

I have been playing Achaea – Dream of Divine Lands since its inception in 1997. It is a free text-character-based game with no graphics and is completely free to play, even today. Over the years, I have had various characters (due to my alcoholic life) and always wanted to bring new players to the game. There was one obstacle. The producers forbid releasing information on a public level. While this still stands true to a sense, it doesn’t mean I can’t create my own website and content with certain restrictions.

Over the years, I gained a lot of knowledge dabbling in HTML, CSS, MySQL, and PHP (websites and databases). So, with all the time on my hands, due to current circumstances, I’m creating a website and database with all the information I have gathered from the game. It’s quite extensive. Since I’m not an expert in current languages like HTML, CSS, MySQL, and PHP, there are many things I have to learn. This takes time because many websites aren’t current with new versions of these languages.

After months of trial and error, I finally found something I understand and can work with. While there is still a learning curve on all fronts, it is possible. Therefore, I look forward to getting what I have dreamed of for ages up and running, even if it can’t be used publicly.

In short, just call me a computer programming nerd! Now you know me a little better….

Feeling Positive

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

Over the last couple of months, I have posted more personal entries, as well as the regular readings. I did not realize the number of readers I have from all over the world, so I made a slight change. I also appreciate all those who have used the Contact Me page to send me a personal email.

My therapist recommended scheduling things throughout the day. Currently, I do things on the fly; I do things when I feel like it. That is going to change because I get so scatter-brained throughout the day, I forget things <-which I absolutely hate! For instance, I thought I paid my utility bill. Thankfully, I was sent an email stating it was NOT paid (Grrrr!). So, I have one thing I need to get done today before anything else. Make that calendar and stick to it.

WordPress posts are in chronological order. I have changed the daily readings to post at 12:05am GMT. Why the change? Now that I think of it, I’m not sure. Perhaps I’ll create a poll on the site to ask my readers their preferences, or look at my statistics to find out where most people are reading this blog. I will change it back to 1205am EST (-400 GMT) until such time I determine otherwise.

Going further, I will continue to post personal entries. Both alcoholics, addicts, and non-addicted people read this page. That is the primary goal of this site. As mentioned above, posts are in chronological order, so personal entries will appear above the daily entries. Perhaps in time, I can put personal entries somewhere else (i.e. Personal Entries). I am just not sure how to do that quickly.

The support from this site has been enormous. I greatly appreciate it. Comments and emails through Contact Me are all appreciated. Just a note – comments are moderated (I have to approve them), thus they will not post immediately. However, I do get an email and usually approve/deny as soon as I can. Many have expressed their own experiences and offered support via phone and/or email. Thank you again for those who offer those services.

Honestly, I have thought seriously about putting the drink down once and for all. The other day, I said to myself, “I am just done with this. All my problems are because of the drink. You know damn well better, Michael. Just do it! I think it was late at night. Yet, in the morning, I didn’t receive a response from a lawyer’s office (it had been a whole week), so I started to panic. Drink was on again. Today, I also received monetary support, so I can check that off the list. Things are starting to click into place.

Choosing a start date to stop drinking is part of my problem. I am NOT one to make a promise to anyone, including myself, unless I am absolutely SURE I will keep it. Then come the excuses. I know from experience I should just pick a date and stick to it. In the past (twice now), it happened when it happened. But the past two times, it was dire situations where I needed rehab and relocation. I am not doing either ever again. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it and stick to it permanently. This may or may not be the time. Only time will tell.

Challenging Weekend Ahead

On By mikeykjrIn Achaea, Personal2 Comments

Starting a new life of recovery is always difficult with a whole host of challenges. While most of the World is sleeping, I’m awake purposely because I work the night shift (overnights). It’s Winter where I live and it’s unexpectedly brutal outside, so I have to find other things to do. Despite these challenges and others, I am committed to stay sober and will be grateful when all is said and done.

When one starts recovery, they go through withdrawal from the substance. This experience can range from mild to severe depending on the person and length of how long the person has been addicted to the substance. I just started a recovery journey after a two to three year alcoholic bender. At the end I was drinking anywhere from four to six beers a night on workdays to more than 48 beers (a thirty pack and 15 pack plus) on weekends. I was expecting the worst. Thankfully, I have not had a rough road at all during my “detox” period. However, there are cases where withdrawal can appear again in ones future without them noticing it. So I must be persistent and vigilant in my observations. For now, I’m actually doing quite well.

As mentioned in other posts on this blog, I work for a major retailer on the night shift (overnights). For the last couple of decades I have also worked this shift with other employers. I have a set schedule when I go to bed and when I wake up. Weekends are on Monday and Tuesdays. Despite the loneliness, I surround myself with a list of projects from playing games, genealogy and learning programming. It just depends on my mood what I dabble into. The point here is that when I drink, nothing gets accomplished because I just from one project to another and back again. Then I forget what I did and do it all over again and again and again.

Winter doesn’t help. For the next three to four months temperatures here will drop enough where it is not comfortable to go outside. What does one do when nothing is open? Either I just walk around the block or I take long trip playing Pokemon Go. I haven’t done that since my last sobriety, thus I need to find other things to do going back to my project list.

I play a game I’ve been involved in since 2006, Achaea – Dreams of Divine Lands. It is not, at all, a kind of game people play today with all graphics and popular games kids play today. Back then it was a time of no graphics, dial in modems and Telenet which was played around the World. It’s all old school..text character based, role playing, guilds, cities, questing, combat, etc set in a medieval type time period. The game evolves based on how we (the adventurers) interact with other. The Gods (admin) throw in some other things to get other things going too. This game has brought my experience of programming to a whole new level (however, it is NOT needed to play the game..it just enhances the experience).

This is not an actual screenshot of my screen but
a random image off the internet of what I use to play the game.

Anywho, I could talk for HOURS about this game. Moving on..

Where was I? Oh, a passion of mine – programming. I have an Associates degree in Computer Science. Unfortunately, I have never been able to use it in the real world. But I still enjoy programming when I get the chance. I have learned HTML, PHP, MYSQL on my own, thus attempted to incorporate it when playing the game (to keep track of things for myself). Again, over the years, I start it, scrap it, start it over and never ending cycle continues. Today, I hope, to stop that cycle. “Rome wasn’t build in day” and neither will this for what I have planned.

Alright, I think I have a plan for this weekend and need to get to it. Honestly, at the present moment, I have no desire to drink. Have I thought about it? Yes, there are moments it has occurred but either I have said the Serenity Prayer or searched for something to read about sobriety to help abate the feeling. Honestly, saying it out loud makes me nervous for some reason (taking deep breaths).

The gauntlet has been cast down. Challenge accepted. We shall prevail!

A Quandary (Resolved)

On By mikeykjrIn Alcoholics Anonymous, Daily Recovery Readings, Personal, Work Rant2 Comments

I just woke up at 730pm so that I could be ready for my ride to work tonight at 845pm. The weather is terrible outside. A few more inches have fallen, the roads are terrible. As I look at my phone, my friend called in to work. I’m at a quandary – do I go to work or just call in and accept the consequences.

I have to be grateful for a company to allow me to call in, get paid and not accept any consequence. So I called in three times, didn’t get a confirmation number and I can’t request to get paid and not an absence point (called Personal Protected Time). The system is apparently not working. UGH!

Unfortunately, for overnighter’s like myself, Fridays are a bad day to call in and report an absence. We now get paid weekly with the new pay period starting on Saturday. If I don’t rectify this now, I will get screwed (as I have in past experiences). That leaves me no choice but to go to work trudging throw the couple of inches of snow, snow squalls and bitter cold wind. It takes me about an 45 min to an hour to walk to work. Is my employer sympathetic during weather conditions? Nope. Do they care what measures I take to get to work? No. Do they care that their own absence system isn’t working and will correct such errors, if I call out, tomorrow? No (based on my experience where I work). They don’t care – you are schedule and unless with is a State Emergency (which hasn’t happened in the four years I have worked there), you have to show up to your scheduled shift or take measures to protect yourself. UGH.

My fear, if I stay home, I will not only screw myself at work but DRINK. The alcoholic mind – don’t go to work but walk to the local store to get beer in the same weather in which you won’t walk to work?? Insanity! It’s only been 48 hours since my last drink, so it’s in the back of my mind. However, I am making a change and sticking to you it. I’m going to work despite the harsh conditions.

I will not be resentful (or try not to be to the best ability I am right now) when I get there. I know others who can drive and live as close as I do will call in, so yes I will be jealous. I know my employer won’t get a damn what measures I took to get to work in my situation or the absence system is not working. Most likely they will say something like, “You came to work? Why? We would have taken care of it tomorrow?” I know their bullshit and it’s not going to fly with me. I will quietly keep to myself, trust in my Higher Power to help me through the night, do my job and go home.

I’m already crazy. So I’m doing what I need to do to 1) Keep my job and 2) Stay sober!

All I see in my mind is the scene from Lord of the Rings. Gandalf (me) on that stone bridge with staff held high, shining brightly. The demon on the other (alcoholism) roaring to destroy me on the other side. I bring my staff down, yelling, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”. The bridge breaks, we both fall. Who survives? Gandalf (me). I stay sober.

Now to get ready to work and brave the elements.

The First 24 Hours

On By mikeykjrIn Daily Recovery Readings, Personal3 Comments

For those subscribing to this site, a HUGE thank you! It is finally beginning to sink in how I have helped people. In turn, you have help me. I have begun my own life of sobriety again! Let me bring you up to speed with where I am in my life.

During my past weekend, I made a commitment to myself – I put down the drink. I recognize that just twenty four hours is just a start. I have a long journey ahead with a lot of work to accomplish to continue my life of sobriety. It’s going to take persistence, patience and a trust the process works. I know it does because I’ve lived it before.

I began with a search of a prayer I read out loud to myself every day, before I started doing anything, during my last sobriety. It was something I took from here and there, as well including words of my own. It is something very personal so it will never be published here. I have always believed prayers are stronger when you take them and make them personal.

Second, as many of you do, I have started reading each and every post – slowly, word by word. When I started this site, I wanted to bring in different viewpoints of how to stay sober through various sources. For instance, I need to let go of my past and not worry about the future. I just need to concentrate on today. I will stay sober for the next twenty-four hours.

Life can be stressful. I was put to the test last night at work and in the morning when I got home. Work is chaotic every day. Yesterday was no exception. Did I think about drinking? Yes. Did I talk myself out of it? With a lot of help from **looks above**. To sum up my day, I do things at work how they are suppose to be done while my co-workers don’t give a damn about how things are done. Perfectionist? Wasn’t that just in the one of the readings. Hmm. As my work night came to an end I had to let it go. It was in the past. What is in front of me right now.

Typically I come home play my game on my PC and drink. Didn’t do that. Instead I decided to make a pot of coffee, read the daily readings again and do something else. My financial situation has begun to turn into the dumps. There are various reasons for this (like my five cat feline family) thus I need to become more responsible in my spending. I began to review the charges on the various credit cards (I only have three). Wait..what…what is this? And again…what they hell is this charge of $80 per month of this same card from various “.com” services. So I decided to call the toll-free number associated with it. According to the woman I spoke to I signed up for a sweepstakes and after a trail period, I was being charged a subscription to various vendors who would give me “great” discounts (I am NOT stupid enough, drunk or sober to do such a thing!). During the conversation, I pointed inconsistences..my name spelled wrong, address a previous address and an old phone number (not giving them any of the correct information). I knew where this was leading – fraud. She didn’t want to hear any of it and talked over me, so I hung up. Next call was to the bank. The representative noticed over the last five months, I have had the same charge but billed under different companies. Thus, we cancelled the card and began a fraud investigation. When this was all said and done – I let it go.

I got home at 7:30is am. It was now 11:45am. It was time to go to bed. I was going to go to bed in peace. As I looked out the window it was snowing pretty good. Crap…the rent check is still in the mailbox. Ran out to get it, it was ruined. Texted the landlord. She was going to come and get a new check from me. I didn’t want her to drive all the way to my house in these bad conditions. Instead I’ll just walk to the post office tomorrow. It’s sent to their PO box in town, so it’ll get there the next day.

Got in bed shortly after, read a book on my tablet and finally went to sleep.

My morning (actually evening outside) I work up refreshed. I started my new daily routine and here I am.

I still have an hour to I get picked up for work, so I’m going continue to do some work on my sobriety. Good morning, evening or night where ever you are in the World. Thank you for helping keep me sober another twenty-four hours!

Thanks for listening!

Back to the Grind

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

As mentioned back in a March post, MPE Time Out, I left my job. Not the best decision I’ve made in years but it has given me time to get my mental, physical and emotional states back to normal. There was one person who kept tabs on my welfare which I’m grateful. Now I’ve made the decision to go back with a different perspective.

At the beginning of March 2022, I was absolutely drained. I was simply tired of fighting working in a toxic environment. I wasn’t willing to put up a concrete wall. Instead my ego got the best of me. I had to take a step back to say, “Hey, what a minute. What the hell are you doing?”

There was one person, a co-worker, who helped through that process. She and I had conversations on my welfare because she knew I was at my breaking point. At one point, I asked her, “How do you manage to get by day to day (or night by night, in our case)?” Once again she pointed to the fact nothing is going to change – ever. Whether I agree or disagree with anything, it doesn’t matter. Selfish people are only concerned about one thing – themselves. They are going to do things which only make themselves look good to everyone else no matter what the cost – they simply don’t care. Her suggestion was to simply ignore everyone else around you, do what you do, simply say ‘okay’ and do it without question. Clock in for the night, do your thing, clock out. We’re not responsible for the decision made nor are we responsible for the consequences of those decisions. We may not like what happens but its going to happen and we just have to accept it leaving it at the door when we leave for the night. It took time to digest and convince myself it was the best plan if I decided to go back.

At the beginning of May, I decided it was time and to go back to something I’m familiar with. I just have to ‘change my tune’. I have confidence I can do it. If I have to act like a robot ignoring everything around me letting it slide off me like raindrops, it isn’t going to be easy but I think I can get to a comfortable normality, if that makes sense.

After a week of reapplying, I called to check on the status of my application. After a short conversation I was told my application would be considered again. Some people are apparently leaving the overnight shift. However, before I can be rehired, those Associates records have to be properly handled. In summary, she will call me back but can’t put any specific date when it will happen. It’s my understanding, four people left or were terminated in the last two weeks. In addition, three new hires started but only one returned after the first day of work (which is typical). The person I spoke to has been out for a couple of days herself and is known not to be expedient. So I have to wait and I’m good with it.

I’m also going to actively see what other employers are offering. There isn’t much, due to my own limitations, either transportation or skills, available to me but it won’t hurt to apply, have an interview if they are interested and see what happens. Based on past experience, I can’t just sit around and wait for things to happen – things aren’t going to mysteriously fall in my lap!

MPE Time Out

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

It has been a long time since I started this journal with the goal of providing others an insight into an addict’s life. As with life, things change and one must adapt to its new surroundings. From experience, an addict who does not change will revert back to their old addictive behaviors either to be miserable for the rest of this life or continue to drink/drug to his death. Recently I took a MPE (mental, physical and emotional) time out from work. In other words, I left on good terms with intentions to return at another time, if it happens.

First, it’s interesting to note that my last four jobs, I have lasted just over two years. The last three, I did the most disrespectful and selfish thing leaving without notice either after and in-between a shift. There came a time when I reached a breaking point. I just couldn’t work in such an inhospitable environment. Based on those experiences, if I made such a decision this time, I was not going to repeat it. Instead, I gave notice leaving on good terms.

In my experience there are few places today which appreciate their employees. Instead, you’re hired to do a job, you’re required to do it and most employers don’t care the cost to the employee. To me it’s sad, really sad. As I try to look a both sides, I get it. If a company attempts to please their employees, their employees just ask for more and more. If the company ignores their employees, there is a constant turn around and employee morale always low. I assume a good company would have to find a balance and work through the highs and lows.

Problem One: Here I am again, thinking I know everything and how to fix problems. Instead I need to look at myself to remember two things: I don’t know everything nor can I fix everything PERIOD.

This is a prime example of how I think and where in time will only get me to a place where there is no return. It’ s time to turn it back on myself. What the hell is going on? Honestly, I’m miserable.

I had convinced myself my life was not perfect but better than it was in my past. With a well paying job, I was in a place where bills were paid, food was on the table and I had a roof over my head. But there was always this longing for more. What I wasn’t looking at nor doing anything about are those things I felt are missing in my life.

The work environment became toxic for me. I became this robot – going to work, attempting to do what I needed for the day and leaving. It was the only way to cope. It worked for a while. But over time, the constant pressure to do more at any cost didn’t help me nor others. I began to speak out if only for myself. Nothing I said or did was taken seriously. There was this attitude of ‘it’s always been this way and nothing is going to change’. Such an environment drives me to insanity. I refuse to be that type of person. After careful thought, I felt it best to leave on good terms perhaps find something else. But I needed time to recover and it was impossible while working there. I need to find employment where I have a purpose and I’m appreciated. While there may be no place offering such, I can only hope. For most of my job I was in a serene and peaceful place in my life. But in the last couple of months its simply spiraled out of control. My mental, physical and emotional states are in a state of chaos.

While it’s only been a week, I am starting to feel I’m returning to something manageable. I have learned through experiences, we can’t change the past nor can you regret those decisions or dwell on them. I can only change the present, right here and now. Right now, the only goal is to bring myself back to a comfortable state. It may not be as peaceful and serene as in the past right now but its a beginning.

In summary, I need change internally and perhaps externally . Unfortunately, and not advisable to all, I have gone to an extreme to make this happen. Yet, it has taken me months to plan, analyze and execute this plan while accepting the consequences of this decision. It may work out, it may not, there are never any guarantees in life. For me, I am confident this decision and process is the best for my life at this time.

Only time will tell…

MK

Worst Night in a Long Time

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

I can’t remember a worst night I’ve had in a long time. In the past couple of months, as one can imagine working in retail, I am completely emotionally, physically and mentally drained when I get home. Honestly, I can’t think straight at all even when playing my game trying to relax. Last night, it just started with one thing and it went downhill from there.

As I have mentioned before I walk to work approximately two and a half miles one way. One my way I dropped by a convenience store to pick up some cigarettes. I fumbled around trying to take out three cards from my wallet (ID, points card and debit card). I finalized my transaction spilling my coffee on the counter. It was just a small spill and I went on my way.

At my first break I always by a Pepsi. I didn’t have my debit card in my wallet. Aww, crap I must have left it at the convenience store. I spent the a total of thirty minutes (with my bosses permission) on the phone trying to speak to a bank representative to place a hold on my debit card. No luck, didn’t speak to a soul. Lunch time came, did the same thing. Another thirty minutes, no luck, no live soul. I was getting really concerned.

Meanwhile, work itself was a nightmare. We have the typical people call out on the weekend but we also have a couple people on medical leave (suspected COVID). Out of a staff of 20-25, we had 11 call outs or people on leave. Thankfully, the truck loads were in the normal range.

Started my shift in soda, juice and water. Five pallets of freight. No a single person was helping me. At some point during the night, a co-worker said I was suppose to be doing something else. Apparently the schedule from the previous night was behind the current schedule. I usually look at the second page because its listed alphabetically. I never understand why managers leave the previous days schedule up. It’s not the first time nor the last. Then a team leader mentioned the same thing when I got to working after break but said I made the right decision anyway because they “forgot” to put someone in those isles anyway. Are you kidding me? UGH. It wasn’t until I got to my last pallet they began to pull people to help me.

Afterwards, I told to work with four other people in pets. Really? Five people don’t need to be working over each other in three aisles. Thankfully the boss make a decision to pull me to dairy. Good but it turned out to be really bad. The whole dairy department is so screwed up. There were products in wrong places, to much product in other places and products on shelves that weren’t even facing forward but instead backward. Grrrrr. It really annoys me. I have complained to management over and over how this affects us. No one really cares. So I just ignore it. There were three pallets of product that could be put on shevles sent back to the cooler. That’s just unheard of and our cooler is full of overstock product. It’s really insane.

At last break, we thought we were done. There was still one pallet left in the cooler but my coworker was told “no to worry about it” (which is typical). Another team leader comes by asking me about this “live” pallet still in the cooler. He told me he heard nothing about leaving it there, it had to be stocked. UGH. So my coworker and I busted our asses off to get the pallet broken down and stocked by 6 am when we open. Thankfully, my coworker worked like I did and we ended up taking about 20 minutes. The rest of the night I made a decision to zone (pulling product forward on shelves) because I wasn’t about do anything more.

On my way home, I stopped by the convenience store. The lady at the counter told me no one turned in a debit card to her knowledge. She called security just to make sure. Security said no. She pulled out a drawer nothing. Then she looked on the cash register, picked up something and asked, “Is this it?” Horray! The clerk from the previous night did tell anyone she had placed it there. ID check and bankcard back.

Though I had a really crappy night, I must of had someone looking our for me.

To Them, Thank you!

Contentment

On By mikeykjrIn PersonalLeave a comment

To be content doesn’t mean you don’t desire more, it means
you’re thankful for what you have and patient for what’s to come.

Tony Gaskings,
Motivational Speaker and Life Coach

Once at an AA meeting I heard someone say, “Roll with the ups and downs of life. If your life was a straight line you would be dead.” While I agree with this, part of me gets edgy when life just goes on in a dull fashion. Addicts like chaos, despite whether they know it or not. But we strive for a serene, peaceful existence in sobriety.

As you’ve noticed I haven’t written here in a while. Part of me says to myself, “Who is going to care?” You’re just a another alcoholic who struggles through life at times. Is there anything new you can bring to the table? No no really, same shit, different day.

Life goes on like a ship passing through the ocean, up and down swells, during its journey to its destination. Everyone has their good days and bad days. But the good days out number the number of bad days. It’s the result of working on all that trauma I suffered in life due to my own making and coming to terms with it all. Yet, no one is perfect. We can all strive for more.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been so contempt in my life as I am right now. All I may do is wake up, have my coffee, go to work, grit my teeth all day over stupid things I have no control over all day, come back home, eat dinner, finally lay in bed after a hard days work and repeat the next day.

Socially I have no friends at all anymore. People have all moved on with their lives. At times I get lonely but for the most part, I’m okay with it. I use to think it was me who drove them away. Instead now I realize people are put in our lives for a purpose. When their purpose in our life is complete, they leave. So be it. The eight hours of social interaction I have at work can be enough most of the time; I get tired of listening to how peoples lives suck, rants , raves, complaints about work, etc. It’s just not something I want to bring home with me. I’ve tried to reach out to old friends even just to say ‘hello’ and not received calls back. There was something there at the time we were friends and now that time has passed.

I am content with who I am and where I’m going in life today. There isn’t really a destination but a place of peace and serenity. For the longest time this place seemed far out of reach. All the experiences of my life, all the good times and bad, have brought me to who and where I am today.

The Lonely Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

After leaving SNHU I became a little depressed; working at WM until retirement (another 15+ years) isn’t something I imagined nor is the ideal story ending of my life. However, it is what it is and I’m beginning to become comfortable with it. What now? My family life is non-existent, my social life is nil thus many times I feel very alone in the world. There is a constant need to fill the void with something; I just have to find a spark of joy in my life.

I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. No matter how much I try to reconnect with those of my family it’s as if I don’t exist. For instance, I received a text from my sister the other day, “Are you alive? I haven’t heard from you in a while?” I wasn’t happy. It took me a day or two to respond. I was civil though I wanted to lash out. I haven’t heard a response. I learn everything about the family usually online through FB even the death of family members (aunts and uncles). No one bothers to give me a call. I’ve called people back but no one returns my calls. Honestly, I’ve just given up; I’m no longer going to waste my time in an attempt to make things right or even stay in contact – it is a two-way street is it not?

All the so-called friends in AA and through the years I lived here, no one has called to say anything in many months. I have reached out to people, a lot of people at times but no one returns my calls. I quit contacting my Sponsor long ago because he admitted he doesn’t return my calls because “I know you’ll work through it”. That stung. Some of my other friends have moved away, relapsed themselves, or I’ve just lost contact. The only person I still see, who I also use to live with happens to work at the same place I do, so we just casually say, “Hi” in passing.

There are times when I’m walking to work at 9pm it’s peaceful and serene. Most of the time I enjoy working graveyard, overnights. Whatever you want to call the 10pm to 7am shift. People say, “Aren’t you scared walking down the dark roads at night?” You just get used to the route. There is some active wildlife at certain times of the year, so I’m always scanning what’s ahead of me. Be it skunks (which I can usually see and smell quite well in advance) or the occasional family of deer (crossing the road or sitting in the middle of the field scaring the crap out of me when they turn their heads and their eyes glow). I’ve seen a beaver or two oddly enough. Groundhogs are quite common too.

Then I get home, I’m alone. Do I watch TV, do I play a game – which one? After a while, I get bored of the routine. I have choices of projects but I just can’t seem to stick with one for long. Besides, I have only four hours after I get home from work before I have to head to bed. I only have an hour before I hit the road when I leave in [my] morning. My weekends (Monday and Tuesday) can really get depressing. Can’t go anywhere. Besides, there isn’t anything really to do around here within walking distance. I just try to keep myself busy with this or that until Wednesday morning comes and it’s back to the same routine.

Some weekends I enjoy the time by myself while others not so much. But there is this void in my life I wish I could fill with something enjoyable. At one point I thought about visiting the cat adoption center I use to volunteer. Yes, I thought about buying a furry friend. Unfortunately, I tried calling the number but it is disconnected. I tried to find it online but couldn’t.

Today I have a plan – watch the funeral of Prince Phillip at 9:30 EST. I have always enjoyed the royal family. Diana was a tragedy and I remember exactly when, where and what I was doing when I heard about the crash. All the drama of the royals past and present. Prince William and Prince Harry growing up, marriage and kids. I’m also a fan of Downton Abbey (watched all seasons), The Crown (again, watched all seasons) and I’m currently watching the Great British Baking Show (not related to the royals). The royal family is just something interesting to me, not sure why. So today, we say goodbye to Prince Phillip.

I don’t know. I guess I’m just rambling. I haven’t done it in a while. Sadly, now I have a funeral to attend.