Tag: anxiety

Let’s Put this Saga to Rest!

On By mikeykjrIn Worker's compensationLeave a comment

As my regular readers of this site know, I have been out of work since July 2025 as I suffered a work-related injury. My employer has not paid any compensation since I have been out of work. They have denied various medical claims related to the work injury. Due to this I have hired a lawyer who has been working to resolve this claim. Finally, I have a worker’s compensation hearing on November 24, 2025. It is my hope that this claim whether denied or approved is put to rest. In the meantime, my anxiety is at an all time high.

First, I received a notice on Monday of this hearing though I have known about it two weeks before (as my records are available via the w/c website). My lawyer has NOT given me a call to information me of this hearing nor discuss how they are going to present this care and prepare me for anything I may have to say or not say. My relationship with this lawyer is NOT ideal. I just hope if they do not contact me, they show up to the hearing (which is virtual). If not, I will ask the w/c Board NOT to pay them their fees requested.

Second, I had conversations with people who have went through this process in the past. Two worked for my employer in the past. They were awarded judgement because the employer was not present at the hearing. A third, had their case prolonged for whatever reason. While I hope the first would happen in my case, my addicted brain always thinks the worst. Then I am left with what will I do if it is denied. There are times I can not think about it at all but it only lasts for a couple of hours and creeps back in. I’m dealing with it as best I can.

Third, I no longer have any monetary resources. My family member has graciously paid for two Walmart grocery deliveries to hold me over for the month. They have also paid my immediate bills (telephone, internet and electricity/gas only) last month and this month. In the past we have not had a good relationship and I hope that his changes. I have kept track of all monies given to me and will repay such when I am able to earn another income.

Lastly, I have been looking for a remote (work from home) job. This is another frustrating process because I have to sift through search results which don’t match “remote work from home data entry customer service” jobs. Yesterday I received two emails from two different companies who want me to pay for a TransUnion credit score verification. Nope not doing it. They don’t need that information nor will I pay even $1 for such information. I don’t know if they are a legitimate company or not nor am I going to spend hours trying to find out. Despite this I have applied for at least 30 postings in the last couple of weeks but have not had any responses except those noted above. I am currently using five websites that I trust and respond to any new postings I receive via email if applicable. It’s been a long time since I have applied for a job. Why is it so difficult to do so? Back in the day you send your resume and could call the company to check on the status of your application. Today, for many companies, they do not provide any contact information to follow up. I could research the companies but that would take time I rather put towards apply for jobs.

I just want this whole thing to end so I can get back to some sort of normal life.

Last Night – I Hope!

On By mikeykjrIn Personal6 Comments

Tonight should be the last night in this house. Tomorrow if all goes well I’ll be moved into my new home. Then again, I might sleep here tomorrow night depending on circumstances. One thing in sobriety I have definitely learned is – I have no control.

Part of me still wants everything lined up just right, all my ducks in a row, to make sure things go smoothly. However, when I do and things turn out differently I’m terribly upset. This is always the case. Instead, I can make plans but I don’t expect anything. It’s interesting this comes up because two years ago today my old Sponsor passed away unexpectedly. He was the one who said all the time, “Mike if you expect things to happen you’re way, you’re only going to be disappointed.” Those words still ring bells in my head all the time.

I’ve made arrangements to have a staff member help me move (just drive) all my stuff in one trip to my new home. Already I’m thinking if things fall through I’m not going to be a happy camper. Matter of fact I’ll blow up at ’em all! I have to keep telling myself, “Don’t get yourself in a tizzy about something which hasn’t happened yet.” It’s an old behavior, actually a really annoying behavior, I’m working on to change. But change does take time. I can hope tomorrow’s events go smoothly.

Besides I still have my current place to fall back on for a couple of days. First, I haven’t received my Internet/cable box at the new place. If it arrives tomorrow, I’m set. Honestly, I don’t want to be stuck in the new place without some entertainment to keep me busy. On the other hand, I bought a bed-in-a-box which needs to be taken out and “rested” so it fills out. After I move it to the new place, I can pull it out of its box and let it “rest”, sleep at the old place, then Tuesday night say my goodbyes to the old place. I rather not sleep on the floor at the new place on the first night either.

I’m ready to go. Let’s hope for a speedy and smooth move to my new home. But if there are bumps along the way I’m just going to have to handle them one at a time. All I can do is hope for the best.

I’m actually surprised my anxiety is going through the roof!

I’m Moving – The Next Chapter in Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

It’s finally happening – I’m moving. I found a two-bedroom for a reasonable price which is closer to work in a nice neighborhood. It is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up so I jumped on it. Now to deal with all the anxiety of moving.

First, I had to order a bed. That was my main priority. Everything has already arrived this week from Walmart. I ordered a full size bed, box spring and metal frame. Done.

Second was internet service. I was getting nervous because I couldn’t get contact Spectrum in the last couple of days. I finally spoke to them this morning. Everything was taken care of and by the time I move in the equipment should be at the new place. No technician required.

I’m responsible for electricity. The provider in the area is National Grid. Since electricity is already turned on in the landlords name it will be a simple switch once I email them the lease I sign on Saturday.

I won’t be actually moving until Monday, April 27. I’ve arrange for the residential program to help me move. I have minimal stuff to be packed and loaded in the van. It should only take one trip. Then I’ll be done here.

So why I’m I anxious if everything is set in place?

As with many things recovering addicts deal with – the past. We’ve been here before and failed. Something along the way got screwed up. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t jumped the gun somewhere. Am I missing something? What haven’t I accounted for?

In reality its all in my head. Instead I need to sit back and relax. I simply need to do what I’ve been doing for the last year and a half. Just take it One Day at a Time. It’s time to turn the page in the Book of Life and write something new and exciting.

No fear, no suffering . . .

Anxiety and Fear

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Woke up around 4 a.m. and just sat in bed. Finally got up this morning around 5 a.m., made some coffee and started my daily routine. I have three major things on my mind: oral surgery on Friday, Penn State and CRPA. I found myself depressed yesterday and it showed.

I’m not embarrassed to say I have bad oral hygiene. Perhaps “it’s in the genes” because my mother had the same problem our obsession with coffee and alcohol. During the time I was sober for ten years, I visited the dentist, Wilson Dental, three times: initial exam, deep cleaning and to have small cavities filled. It was a horrible experience, so I didn’t return. Nor, after getting employment, was I offered a low cost dental plan. I need a lot of work done, so I’m taking the opportunity to get as much done as I can.

After seeing my new dentist, he referred me to Wilson Dental in a neighboring city to remove seven teeth. While I’m not happy with any other choice in the matter, I made the appointment for Friday. I know my insurance (Fidelis – Dentaquest), as with most insurances, does not cover sedation (general anesthetic). Who knows, they might have some new method which doesn’t require GA. My anxiety level is about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. Despite this I’m going anyway and deal with the financial repercussions later.

After I accepted my admissions offer to Penn State, there were a few things to do before registering for classes. I had to complete a New Student Orientation, as well as a math placement test. The NSO was completed quickly. The math placement test I balked for two days. Despite my knowledge of geometry, calculus and statistics, I haven’t consistently used such methods in a long, long time. The placement test reflected this, so I have to start back at College Algebra. It will take me two years of math classes just to get to the level of math needed to start my degree.

I ended up creating a schedule of classes. Apparently my Associates didn’t cover some of the general education requirements either. After I enrolled, I checked the financial aide and my fears came true. Financial aid will only cover half of the total cost. I have to come up with another $6000. So I know I have to look for scholarships but part of me doesn’t even want to bother.

Which leads me back to the Certified Recovery Peer Advocate program (CRPA). There is an organization locally offering classes but again, I would need funding. Recovering addicts are given an education support option called Access VR. I have an appointment in July to start this process again. Many of us have bad experiences with the representative but at this point I don’t have any other options.

For now, I’ve tabled Penn State until the beginning of next week. I see my case manager today to discuss the CRPA program which my roommate has also been approved. Honestly I don’t particularly want to get back in this field but everyone is telling me I should and when completed, they would hire me immediately. So why not give it a try? Lastly, I heard from another Wilson Dental does “put you completed out” for major surgery, so it lessens my anxiety a little but not by much.

Alright – meeting time at the top of the hour. I really need to go and listen.

The Move & Anxiety Update

On By mikeykjrIn Personal3 Comments

Since I don’t update this blog on a regular basis on personal events, let me update those that choose to read here. I have been traveling to/from work 50 miles one way, an hour and a half drive each way, at least five times a week. I vowed to move after Winter was over but events in my life postponed my plans. Once again, the time has come for me to move forward. Therefore, “The Move” is a priority of my life.

I have lived at my current address for almost ten years. A year after I got sober, back in 2007, I went through a sober living program which offered a place to live. In 2009, I moved into an apartment where I continue to reside today. I have repaved my path in life in this place, such memories, are going to be painful when I leave. Then again, I look at it another way; it’s the right time in my life to start a new chapter in my life of sobriety. But it comes with much anxiety.

Much of my anxiety is a result of my own choosing. Selfish as it may seem, I am very picky of where I want to move. Cities and towns have plagued my life, so I’ve decided to look at a more country setting. Unable to buy my own home, I’m looking to still rent and such costs will increase 50% or more. Perhaps because I making move from a one bedroom to a three bedroom? In addition, I will also incur additional costs (fuel for heat, propane for cooking, etc.) Even cable services will increase dramatically since major supplies like Spectrum/Time Warner Cable don’t service the area. Yikes! What the hell am I thinking? I’m still crunching numbers with my salary and expenses, but based on the higher cost of living where I work, it might be feasible. Or am I kidding myself?

I’m just viewing properties and gathering information. But it’s becoming a monumental task. Perhaps this is why I have delayed it for so long. I’m comfortable where I’m at and the expected expenses. However, the downside is the cost of repairs to my car. If I don’t have a car, I won’t be able to enjoy the benefits of working where I am.

On thing I’ve learned from my past – don’t rush things. Recently I’ve found an acronym for STOP: Stop, Think, Observe, and Plan . Like my sobriety, I’m taking this one day at a time. I’m not overwhelming myself with information. One property, research a few things and put it aside for a different day. It’s not something I have to make a decision right now. Yes, its getting to be an urgent situation but I’ve come to accept “it will happen when it happens”.

Honestly, I can’t wait to move to start a new chapter in my life. It just won’t be today.

 

Living Life on Life’s Terms

On By mikeykjrIn Personal, Work Rant1 Comment

Nine days ago I had written, “Peaceful and content“. Despite the uneventfulness in my life, I was okay with where I am and where I’m going in my life. Nothing really has changed. However, as many have recently written in their own blogs, I am experiencing some challenges. Typically I don’t talk about work for various reasons. Work is just another chapter of life which we have to navigate the sudden turbulence that occurs from time to time. “Living life on life’s terms” can be difficult at times.

I’ve been a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) since September 2016, finally getting license in November 2016. There was a moment in time when I questioned my decision to pursue this new career. It brought me down a dark path, a path I had walked down in the past and vowed never to walk down again. I survived not drinking with those in the recovery community  and I’ve been grateful for everyone’s support.

Today, my bones are telling me to, once again, “batten down the hatches”. This is typical in a nursing home environment. Staffing issues continue to plague my employer. For example, I am the senior CNA working on the 2nd shift (3 p.m. to 11 p.m.) There have been several new employees who have come and gone for various reasons. It’s unfortunate but we can’t seem to inspire people to stay employed.

To add to the mix, I have learned a resident has now confided in a social worker to review actions by employees for possible abuse and neglect. This is something typical in a nursing home, Unfortunately residents have to wait and can’t be cared for at a moments notice, thus feeling neglected and/or abused. However, it’s come to my attention myself and another recent full-time employee may be under the microscope.

Honestly, this scares the crap out of me and upsets me at the same time. While I have nothing to hide knowing I’ve done my job, at times above and beyond what I’m required, part of me questions, “What have I missed?”. When I can’t find answers, I’m frustrated a resident would bring up such false accusations.  “Did I do something wrong” and “How dare the resident do such a thing!” These are questions I shouldn’t ask myself.

I have learned in situations like this I need to remain confident in my abilities. My past teaches me my old way of thinking (my stinking thinking), doubting myself and my abilities, lead to lies upon lies eventually picking up a drink. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know differently. But even when we have almost a decade of sobriety, these thoughts try to creep into our conscious.

While it’s still nerve racking, I know my place in all this – I have done nothing wrong. I can’t control what others think or say. I have to be steadfast (firm and unwavering) of my actions. When all is said and done, the truth will be found. “Living life on life’s terms” is seeing the situation for what it is. We must live in the present without fear of all possible outcomes. I just have to remind myself of that today

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