The weekend is at a close for me; I accomplished quite a bit, yet there is quite a lot to still do. Love the TV and the new computer. Thankfully, a bought this new computer because I have to bury the old one – it will not longer turn on. Depsite the lack of sleep in the last two days, I now belive my life will begin to return to normal.

Yesterday was kinda of chaotic for me. I got new TV and computer, yet I didn’t have the right equipment for either. Before I went to my friends house for a much needed haircut, I stopped at a local computer store right around the street. I just paid $5 for a VGA cable, so that solved that problem. Then his mother visited taking us to WM a while later and I picked up a screwdriver set so I could put the stand for the TV together. It wasn’t until 4pm when I got home with much more to do.

Got the computer up and running but was irritated to see a Trojan installed by the reseller. Quickly took care of that piece of junk and left a nice comment too. It runs smoothly. Later, after a short four hour nap, I also created a dual boot to Ubuntu 18.04 (my preferred Operating System). I don’t know why I went with Windows 10. It took literally two more hours to update. Ubuntu took less than an hour and I was up and running like my old system.

But there is still plenty to do. Since I didn’t back up (again, for the 1000th time) my laptop, all my information is gone. Nothing was really important except my gaming information. So I’m going to spend the next week copying all that material. But I’m also going to create a restore disk for Windows and create backups for both systems.

Unfortunately the old laptop suddenly just doesn’t want to turn on. It was on its way out anyway, hence the purchase of a new box. Thus, I’m grateful I was able to have funds to do such a thing. I just need to get a webcam, DisplayPort to HDMI adapter and probably get more RAM for the new system. It’s on a save list, I got to think about it first. No rush compulsive buying for me.

Overall, it was a nice weekend. I just hope I can get some quality sleep right now so I’m ready for work. Looks like this nasty cold spell is passing by with warming temperatures for next week. Maybe, just maybe we might have a few weeks of Spring before Summer is upon us? Instead of staying in the house all Spring and Summer, I’m going to plan some walks and activities. But that’s all later. I have some other small projects I need to finish. Sometimes I have to remind myself to continue to put one foot in front of the other, skip jumping around is not allowed.

I feel like a kid in a candy shop. I ran to WM this morning to buy a 43″ Roku TV. My computer did arrive but I have an issue. Also getting this head of hair shaved real fine like. I’m having to much fun today!

I’ve been eyeing this TV at WM for a week. I typically don’t make split decisions on big purchases. I think about it before I buy. But after passing it day in and day out knowing I could afford it I took the plundge. I was disappointed when the clerk told me the only TVs were on the floor. So I had her check in back (which we are not suppose to do – I had some pull there). There was ONE 43″ Onn Roku which was priced less than the one I was looking at. Sold! It’s even compatible with my old laptop which is a second plus too!

As I’m just setting up the TV, I get notified my compter has arrived too! I look outside to see no box. I happen to walk right past it because he put it at my neighbors side door. So I rip open the box and its so small which is awesome. It can literally fit right next to the Internet modem. Unplugged the old laptop, found the HDMI port or so I thought. It’s not a DHMI port, it’s a display port. So I have to run back to WM again to buy an adapter. Or hopefully my friend has an extra VGA cable lying around.

This day is going by quick. I need to start walking for my haircut. I’ll update this post later once I figure out the new computer.

Best day off ever!

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action
and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if
we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of
alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve
contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condi­
tion.

Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, Into Action, p. 85

You sneaky, sly, conniving, little bastard. Not this time. We’ve been down this road before. I’ve made a promise to myself, my Higher Power, friends, family and everyone who knows me not to let you in my life – ever again. You can’t break my steadfast resolve to keep you at bay. Our days are over.

Yes, that was a conversation with myself just the other day. I was walking that tightrope described in one of the stories of the Big Book. I remembered how I told another recently, “Don’t forget where you came from . . . ” I shuttered at the thoughts. I snapped out of my nightmare.

For the last twenty four hours I thought about nothing else but gratitude for the things in my life. I’m grateful to be alive today. I’m still in contact with people from my old recovery community. While many of us have survivied, more have died as a result of their addiction(s). This is unfortunately truth in recovery today. I’m not lucky to be alive, there is no luck in the matter. It’s the hard work, the “action” referred to above which keeps me alive.

Despite my grumbling about work, I’m grateful to have a job especially during these times. Many sit or sat at home, unpaid, wondering what they were going to do. I’ve been working on this area of my life the most. Not getting caught up in “work drama” is the top of my priority. For some reason, everyone comes to me about this and that. I just ignore it. Yes, I have a problem with certain people but I have to look at what is wrong with me, not them. Perhaps that is what brought this sly little snake rearing its ugly head.

I also ordered a new computer last week. As I watched it make its way from Texas, I was excited to get to tomorrow. Instead I got notification when it was sitting in Pennsylvania, it would be delayed. Then it ended up in Ohio the next night. It left Ohio Saturday morning arriving much closer to me. Walla, it was rescheduled again to be delivered as promised today! It’s a desktop, not a laptop but I’m okay with it. It was cheap, an upgrade from what I have and I should be able to do much more in the future. Oh I can’t wait.

While I work, I am constantly going by the TV’s taking cardboard and product back to our General Merchandise side of the store. I’ve been fixated on this Hisense 43″ Class FHD (1080P) Roku Smart LED TV. It’s at a really good price and I get an employee discount. I waited and waited and can’t wait any longer. I’m getting it…period.

Lastly, after I visit work on a personal trip to pick up a TV (and they better have ’em because it says we have three in stock) I’m getting something else done I desperately need – a haircut. An old roommate buzzed my head when we were living together. He and I work at the same place. I finally asked if he would be willing to do it again. Typical with him, he kepts rescheduling (as if he had anything to do but play is video games) but finally said he could do it today too. I know, it’s bad of me to talk in a bad tone about him but I’ve accepted that he lacks making any committment with anyone or anything. He hasn’t changed that aspect of his life. His gaming is the most important thing in his life – UGH. Anywho…my head of hair is way out of control. Six months without a haircut – way to long! Now it’s all going to get taken care of..woohoo!

So my night is almost done and I’m going to have a long day ahead of me waiting patiently for the computer to arrive. But at least I have another day off so I can get the rest, just much later than usual. Oh and new toys to play with.

I’m grateful I’m sober so I can enjoy these things.

Daily Recovery Readings
May 10, 2019

Daily Reflection

FREE AT LAST

“Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility – a word often misunderstood. . . . it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.”

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 58

I knew deep inside that if I were ever to be joyous, happy and free, I had to share my past life with some other individual. The joy and relief I experienced after doing so were beyond description. Almost immediately after taking the Fifth Step, I felt free from the bondage of self and the bondage of alcohol. That freedom remains after 36 years, a day at a time. I found that God could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

” I had always believed in a Power greater that myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes no where.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill’s Story, pg. 10~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

One thing that keeps me sober is a feeling of loyalty to the other members of the group. I know I’d be letting them down if I ever took a drink. When I was drinking, I wasn’t loyal to anybody. I should have been loyal to my family, but I wasn’t. I let them down by my drinking. When I came into A.A., I found a group of people who were not only helping each other to stay sober, but who were loyal to each other by staying sober themselves. Am I loyal to my group?

Meditation for the Day

Calmness is constructive of good. Agitation is destructive of good. I should not rush into action. I should first “be still and know that He is God.” Then I should act only as God directs me through my conscience. Only trust, perfect trust in God, can keep me calm when all around me are agitated. Calmness is trust in action. I should seek all things that can help me to cultivate calmness. To attain material things, the world learns to attain speed. To attain spiritual things, I have to learn to attain a state of calm.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may learn how to have inner peace. I pray that I may be calm, so that God can work through me.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Enjoying the Good Days

Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life.

There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering, which many of us have felt for much of our life. We don’t have to allow others to make us miserable, and we don’t have to make ourselves miserable.

A good day does not have to be the calm before the storm. That’s an old way of thinking we learned in dysfunctional systems.

In recovery, a good day or a good feeling doesn’t mean we’re in denial. We don’t have to wreck our good times by obsessively searching for or creating a problem.

Enjoying our good days doesn’t mean we’re being disloyal to loved ones who are having problems. We don’t have to make ourselves feel guilty because other people aren’t having a good day. We don’t have to make ourselves miserable to be like them. They can have their day and their feelings; we can have ours.

A good feeling is to be enjoyed. More than we can imagine, good days are ours for the asking.

Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don’t have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don’t have to let others spoil it either.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“You are accepted!” … accepted by that which is greater than you and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask the name now, perhaps you will know it later. Do not try to do anything; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, and do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact you are accepted.

—Paul Tillich

New possibilities opened up when we accepted our powerlessness. These possibilities came to us from beyond ourselves. We can open ourselves to acceptance by being responsible for ourselves and practicing the Twelve Steps. We can’t improve upon the message that we are accepted, nor can we nail it down. In fact, the very moment we try to impose our control over it, it begins to evaporate.

We can receive this message of acceptance only when we are humble and open to it. After learning to surrender in the First Step of this program, we are ready to yield to messages of acceptance.

I am grateful for the acceptance which has come my way.

Elder’s Meditation

“When you go inside that power, there’s no fear. It’s so beautiful!! There’s no fear there. There’s no pain.”

—- Wallace Black Elk, LAKOTA

Imagine you are standing on the edge of a stage. In the center of the stage is a spotlight shining from above. If you stand anyplace outside the spotlight, in the darkness, you will experience fear. But as soon as you step into the light in the center of the stage, all fear and pain go away. When we stand in the power, fear cannot exist. How do we find this place of power? We pray our way into it. We ask the Creator to take our hand and help us. When we get to that place, we will feel the fear go away.

Great Spirit, hold my hand and guide me today.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

You might be tired of feeling like nothing you do or say makes a difference. However, a humanitarian project could make you feel connected to the world today. Even making an online donation or spreading the word about an important cause can lift your spirits. Contrary to what some media outlets would have you believe, most people want the planet to be a healthier, happier place. In fact, a close friend or romantic partner is a wonderful example of someone who is determined to bring light back into the world. Show your appreciation for this earthbound angel.

Daily Recovery Readings
May 9, 2019

Daily Reflection

WALKING THROUGH FEAR

‘If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.”

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 76

When I had taken my Fifth Step, I became aware that all my defects of character stemmed from my need to feel secure and loved. To use my will alone to work on them would have been trying obsessively to solve the problem. In the Sixth Step I intensified the action I had taken in the first three Steps – meditating on the Step by saying it over and over, going to meetings, following my sponsor’s suggestions, reading and searching within myself. During the first three years of sobriety I had a fear of entering an elevator alone. One day I decided I must walk through this fear. I asked for God’s help, entered the elevator, and there in the corner was a lady crying. She said that since her husband had died she was deathly afraid of elevators. I forgot my fear and comforted her. This spiritual experience helped me to see how willingness was the key to working the rest of the Twelve Steps to recovery. God helps those who help themselves.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: ‘Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.’ Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, More About Alcoholism, pg. 33~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

We alcoholics used so little self control when we were drinking; we were so absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God’s help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don’t start any wishful thinking. If we daydream too much, we’ll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

Meditation for the Day

In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God’s guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people’s problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Learning New Behaviors

Sometimes we’ll take a few steps backward. That’s okay too. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes it’s part of going forward.

—Codependent No More

Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.

The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.

It’s frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.

It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.

Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it’s hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now.

Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.

It shall.

Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I’m learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

I learned from them that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic striving, but it comes into us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness.

—Brenda Ueland

We tend to be action-oriented and concerned about showing results in the shortest period of time. Our world has emphasized this outlook, especially for men. Now we are seeking spiritual progress. We are on a journey seeking a relationship with our Higher Power, with ourselves, and with others.

Spiritual progress is made by pushing aside busyness and efficiency. We become receptive to inspiration by allowing empty spaces in our lives, some solitude and idleness. This moment – right now – is one such time. It is not clearly goal-oriented. Rather it is a moment when we reflect on ourselves as recovering men. We become receptive to inspiration, to a deeper wisdom, to that part of life, which we do not command.

I will remember today that spiritual progress comes only when I make room for it in my life.

Elder’s Meditation

“Without a sacred center, no one knows right from wrong.”

—- Thomas Yellowtail, CROW

In the center of the circle is where the powers reside. These powers are called love, principle, justice, spirtual knowledge, life, forgiveness and truth. All these powers reside in the very center of the human being. We access these powers by being still, quieting the mind. If we get confused, emotionally upset, feel resentment, anger, or fear, the best thing we can do is pray to the Great Spirit and ask Him to remove the anger and resentment. By asking Him to remove these obstacles, we are automatically positioned in the sacred center. Only in this way do we know right from wrong.

Great Spirit, allow me this day to live in the sacred center.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Teaming with an influential person today may be the best way to achieve a lifelong goal. You’ve been blessed with tremendous leadership ability but may lack the practical experience to get a project off the ground. That’s where this person can help. Long discussions via phone or video conference will make you realize what changes you must make to be successful. It isn’t enough to check things off your to-do list. You must constantly scan the horizon for unexpected places to do business, perfect your craft, or promote your work.

I slept for most of the day after a very hard night at work. There is a particular boss who works Thursday through Sunday who no matter how much I try just gets under my skin. It’s push, push, push; he just wants things to get done. While I get it, that’s his job, if he continues to push me to extremes, I’m going to snap. I’ve learned in situations like this, I am the one that needs to change my attitude.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. “

Big Book, Acceptance is the Answer, pg. 417

I’m a hard worker always putting my best foot forward to make sure I do what is required of me. I don’t do it for recognition; I do it because it’s required of me. I put in 150% most nights no matter how I’m feeling. But there are some nights I wanted to be left the F**K alone!

I have come to learn working with a particular person, who happens to be my boss, can be a very taxing physically, mentally and spiritually. After taking care of seven pallets of paper products and half my day is gone, my boss checks in for the second or third time, “Are you done yet? I need you over [here or there]”. An hour later he’s back again, “Where are you at?” After break I’m walking in with a greetings of, “Come on Michael, push, we’re all waiting for you.” We have some nerf sticks on feature in the kids section and I just want to get one and beat the guy into submission!

Apparently he does this with everyone. I’m not alone. So what do I do?

Keep doing what I do. He isn’t going to change. It’s not my job to change him. He and I both have a job to do at the end of the night. As long as I’m doing what’s expected of me by the end of the night, I’m good. If I can do more great. If I can’t oh well. I need to recognize I’m not going to get in “trouble” because I’m not doing my job. It’s that old fear creeping in saying, “You have to do this otherwise you’re going to get fired.” In reality, that is fare from the truth. If I do, for whatever reason, so be it. I haven’t done anything to warrant such an action, so I just need to accept it for what it is.

It’s a new day night? Let’s put this into action.

Grateful to be sober.

Daily Recovery Readings
May 8, 2019

Daily Reflection

A RESTING PLACE

“All of A.A.’s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . . they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.“

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 55

After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read – and been told – I could not stay sober unless I did. Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: “to God, to ourselves and to another human being.” Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Big Book Quote

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 66~

24 Hours a Day – The Little Black Book

Thought for the Day

I’m grateful that I found a program in A.A. that could keep me sober. I’m grateful that A.A. has shown me the way to faith in a Higher Power, because the renewing of that faith has changed my way of life. And I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I had forgotten existed, by simply believing in God and trying to live the kind of a life that I know He wants me to live. As long as I stay grateful, I’ll stay sober. Am I in a grateful frame of mind?

Meditation for the Day

God can work through you better when you are not hurrying. Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace. All work that results from resting with God is good work. Claim the power to work miracles in human lives. Know that you can do many things through the Higher Power. Know that you can do good things through God who rests you and gives you strength. Partake regularly of rest and prayer.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may not be in too much of a hurry. I pray that I may take time out often to rest with God.

The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Giving Ourselves What We Deserve

“I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn’t work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. I just kept suffering through and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn’t buy myself a new car – that moment – if I wanted one. I had been gratitudeing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car – that day.”

—Anonymous

Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, No! I can’t afford it!

The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, But can I?

Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.

Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.

Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.

There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There’s nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.

There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.

Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won’t.

Touchstone – Men’s Meditation

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.”

—Oscar Wilde

The mature man eventually forgives his parents. Any adult can look back and see childhood wrongs and unfairness. Many of us were disappointed by our parents, even neglected or hurt by them. We certainly didn’t get all we wanted or needed. Yet, upon joining the ranks of grown men and women, we become responsible for ourselves. Every situation has limited choices, and we work with what we’ve got. As adults, we realize this is exactly where our parents were when we were children. They, too, were born into an imperfect world and had to do the best they could.

When we can forgive our parents, we are free to accept them as they are, as we might a friend. We can accept them, enjoy the relationship, and forget about collecting old debts. Making peace with them imparts to us the strengths of previous generations and helps us be more at peace with ourselves.

I pray for the maturity and the wisdom to be more forgiving of my parents.

Elder’s Meditation

“Anyways, with medicine there’s a time and a place for everything. It only comes around once. You have to get it at the right time.”

—- Cecilia Mitchell, MOHAWK

The old ones say two things must be present for a miracle to take place. One, the right time. Two, the right place. This is why we need to honor our ceremonies. eremonies are done in an order. This order is applied to open a “door” to the right time and place of the medicine. This door opens to the Spiritual World. The Spiritual World is available to us at the right time and the right place.

My Creator, let me be patient today so the timing is right.

Daily Horoscope – Cancer

Because your mental and physical health are closely linked, it’s important to maintain a positive attitude today. If you catch yourself brooding over upsetting thoughts, do something that lifts your spirits. Call a friend who always makes you laugh. Make a long list of things for which you are grateful. Maintaining an upbeat attitude takes practice, but it can be done. Treat the process like a game. Don’t be surprised when you find hidden resources after being relentlessly optimistic. Positive energy is an abundance magnet, so be what you want to attract.