Category: Personal

The Wait is Killing Me

On By mikeykjrIn Personal4 Comments

Yesterday’s move was uneventful, thankfully! But then I waited around for delivery of my Spectrum Internet modem which never came. Finally hit the bed around 10pm, then woke up at 7am this morning. Delivery is schedule for “by the end of day” by FedEx. The wait is going to kill me.

Monday was a fiasco. Honestly, as previous noted, it was expected. First I received a text message someone would be over at 10am. They ended up moving in someone upstairs, so I knew there was going to be a delay. I waited until 11:30 am, “Are we going to meet anytime soon?”. The reply was, “Sorry got delayed, do you want to meet later today or tomorrow.” At this point my blood is starting to boil. All this was arranged last week. Key word here = was.

The next message I get is, “When are you going to move”. Now I’m hotter than a hot potato. Seriously, I meet with them last week when I signed the lease. I gave them an option of either Monday or Tuesday morning. We were going to meeting on Monday morning to finalize the move. I just gave up, throwing in the towel for Monday. Instead I took charge – something I rarely do these days.

“Well meet tomorrow at 10am, sign all paperwork and move.” It was agreed. Come Tuesday, there was a slight delay but eventually I got all my stuff over to the new place. Then I had to go back to the hold house to sign “paperwork”. Technically I didn’t because I’m not covered under any legal obligations (i.e. probation or parole, or any other organization requiring my “completion”). I simply did it as a courtesy. Instead, I wait another two hours. During the final interview when asked, “How would you rate the program? Did you receive the services you felt you deserved?, etc. I made a polite and calm statement, “The client declines to answer the question.” Instead of being ready when the staff member came over, we spent a good hour or more with her saying, “Let me guess or I know, ‘Client declines to answer question, right?’ with a slight agitated nod of my head.” I have nothing against her personally. It how inadequate the program runs, how clients are treated and in my opinion, their program is a complete and utter failure to the recovery community because of their incompetent staff (again not all).

After a few prayers on my way home, I said a few prayers leaving things up to my Higher Power. I’m not going to hold a resentment. It’s over and done with. It may not sound like it from what I just wrote but it really is gone. I haven’t thought about it until I wrote this now and I’m relieved it’s over.

Problem one was tackled, now I had to move on to the second problem. As I was waiting for my modem from Spectrum I checked with FedEx on the status – “a shipping label has been made” with an expected delivery date of Monday “by end of day”. Yet it hadn’t moved since the morning. ARG. In the meantime I put my bed together, sheets on. I arranged most of what I had where I wanted them. But it was getting late. I wanted to keep some sort of sleep schedule. I just assumed it wouldn’t be delivered so I went to bed.

I was right, as I looked at the status today showing it was on the truck for delivery by end of day. So I’ve been waiting. Everything in my house has been put away. Somethings have been moved here and there. I’ve smoked a cigarette almost every hour. Every truck that runs through I’m running to the front living room to see if it’s FedEx. Bat crazy, I know. The wait is killing me.

2:00 pm EST…

The saga continues – Grrrrrr

Finally got modem. Installed, accepted agreements, yada, yada…can’t connect. Noticed outside the line upstairs was disconnected physically. Called Spectrum asking for a technician to come out. Scheduled between 4 to 5 pm. Went to see a friend, coming home around 3:30pm and the tech is already at the house. Apparently all lines to second floor were cut. So he’s got to do his job and I’ll be all set.

4 pm EST …

Finally online. Now to catch some zzz’s.

It’s Moving Day

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

Quite note:

All things have gone well.

The point again is:

If you don’t expect things to happen YOUR WAY, you won’t be disappointed!

RIP Joe T (03/28/2017)

All things are packed in the van ready to go. FedEx should have the Internet modem delivered by end of day. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get any sleep ‘cus I still have roll the bed out after I move all my stuff. And I haven’t had dinner – cooking meal in new home at some point. It’s been a long year and half plus but no the real challenges start. I’m looking forward to my new life in sobriety!

See ya’ll on the flip side . . .

Last Night – I Hope!

On By mikeykjrIn Personal6 Comments

Tonight should be the last night in this house. Tomorrow if all goes well I’ll be moved into my new home. Then again, I might sleep here tomorrow night depending on circumstances. One thing in sobriety I have definitely learned is – I have no control.

Part of me still wants everything lined up just right, all my ducks in a row, to make sure things go smoothly. However, when I do and things turn out differently I’m terribly upset. This is always the case. Instead, I can make plans but I don’t expect anything. It’s interesting this comes up because two years ago today my old Sponsor passed away unexpectedly. He was the one who said all the time, “Mike if you expect things to happen you’re way, you’re only going to be disappointed.” Those words still ring bells in my head all the time.

I’ve made arrangements to have a staff member help me move (just drive) all my stuff in one trip to my new home. Already I’m thinking if things fall through I’m not going to be a happy camper. Matter of fact I’ll blow up at ’em all! I have to keep telling myself, “Don’t get yourself in a tizzy about something which hasn’t happened yet.” It’s an old behavior, actually a really annoying behavior, I’m working on to change. But change does take time. I can hope tomorrow’s events go smoothly.

Besides I still have my current place to fall back on for a couple of days. First, I haven’t received my Internet/cable box at the new place. If it arrives tomorrow, I’m set. Honestly, I don’t want to be stuck in the new place without some entertainment to keep me busy. On the other hand, I bought a bed-in-a-box which needs to be taken out and “rested” so it fills out. After I move it to the new place, I can pull it out of its box and let it “rest”, sleep at the old place, then Tuesday night say my goodbyes to the old place. I rather not sleep on the floor at the new place on the first night either.

I’m ready to go. Let’s hope for a speedy and smooth move to my new home. But if there are bumps along the way I’m just going to have to handle them one at a time. All I can do is hope for the best.

I’m actually surprised my anxiety is going through the roof!

I’m Moving – The Next Chapter in Life

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

It’s finally happening – I’m moving. I found a two-bedroom for a reasonable price which is closer to work in a nice neighborhood. It is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up so I jumped on it. Now to deal with all the anxiety of moving.

First, I had to order a bed. That was my main priority. Everything has already arrived this week from Walmart. I ordered a full size bed, box spring and metal frame. Done.

Second was internet service. I was getting nervous because I couldn’t get contact Spectrum in the last couple of days. I finally spoke to them this morning. Everything was taken care of and by the time I move in the equipment should be at the new place. No technician required.

I’m responsible for electricity. The provider in the area is National Grid. Since electricity is already turned on in the landlords name it will be a simple switch once I email them the lease I sign on Saturday.

I won’t be actually moving until Monday, April 27. I’ve arrange for the residential program to help me move. I have minimal stuff to be packed and loaded in the van. It should only take one trip. Then I’ll be done here.

So why I’m I anxious if everything is set in place?

As with many things recovering addicts deal with – the past. We’ve been here before and failed. Something along the way got screwed up. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t jumped the gun somewhere. Am I missing something? What haven’t I accounted for?

In reality its all in my head. Instead I need to sit back and relax. I simply need to do what I’ve been doing for the last year and a half. Just take it One Day at a Time. It’s time to turn the page in the Book of Life and write something new and exciting.

No fear, no suffering . . .

Apartment Search

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I finally got off my duff to look at two apartments today. The first was probably a no go, the second had promise. Across the street was an apartment complex I didn’t know existed. Tomorrow is another showing downtown. Lastly, I was going to look at a house to rent but decided it’s way out of my league. So by May 1, 2020, I should be moving.

I really had no motivation after work this morning to view apartments. Luckily I have a roommate who’s given me the extra motivation. He and I took a short walk to two apartments this morning.

This first wasn’t promising at all. The apartment is not ideal at all. It was a one bedroom, very small bathroom with really no space at all, small living room (an old entry way) and the bedroom (which looked like the old living room located in the front. The landlord is still in the process of “fixing it up”. There wasn’t much to look at. So I thanked him and moved on down the street to another showing.

The second was a two bedroom in my price range. While I don’t need a two bedroom, it would allow me to have my bedroom and a office, man-cave, computer room. There was sufficient living room, bathroom, closet space, etc. It is just old. Old wood flooring (almost looked like linolien put over the original wood floor), outdated cabinets, and a ten windows with no shades or blinds). I won’t say it’s not doable for the amount he’s asking. My gut, unless the other apartment I see tomorrow is better or the apartment complex offers me a place, this place may be my new home.

Across the street from the first place is an apartment complex I didn’t know existed. I thought perhaps it was specifically for “senior citizen living”. It boasts, “Workforce Housing for the City of Oneida” offering one to three bedrooms starting at $580. Now that’s in my price range! Looks like its a couple years old, so I filled out an application and hope they respond quickly.

I do have another showing tomorrow. It’s downtown. While I’m not to happy about the area and it would add another 15 minutes to my walk to and from work. I shouldn’t talk myself out of it until I see it. So I’ll leave it at that.

There was a two bedroom home for rent. But the area was flooded back a couple years ago. The landlord said another party owns the home who is out of town and it hasn’t been rented in over a year due to repairs. After careful thought, it would really out of my price range when you include electricity, water, garbage, snow removal, etc. It’s just not financially feasible.

I’m exited to finally get through this phase of my life. My roommate mentioned “moving is stressful”. While I agree with him, I’ve moved from place to place all in one day several times in the past. I always pack early and end up getting new furniture where I move to because it’s just easier. The bed, frame and box spring have been delivered to my current address, so everything else will come in time. Like my sobriety, I keep it simple.

Mr. Procrastinator

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Just call me Mr. Procrastinator because I always put things off until the last minute. Whether its small or large it can always be done tomorrow, right? Case in point is actively looking for a new apartment to move by May 1, 2020. After speaking to my current roommate, who is also moving by the first of the month, I decided to sit down and just get it done. Now I have five appointments in the next four days.

Honestly, I despise moving. I like being comfortable. Don’t we all? But I also recognize I can’t stay where I am – a supportive living chemical dependency program. I need to move independently on my own – the quicker the better. The point is I need to take responsibility and turn into a big boy again. Ah man, do I have to?

There is just so much stress in moving to a new place – the “what if’s”. I remember in a meeting people talking about such things in sobriety. We imagine these terrible thing are going to happen – the impending doom. Once we take the jump there might be stumbling along the way but in the end we survive maybe with a couple of minor scratches.

But I know from experience, once I get settled in I’ll love it. Almost everything is set in place anyway. So I’m not sure why I’m so worried.

From Better to Worse

On By mikeykjrIn Personal1 Comment

Sometimes life throws curve balls. I’ve tried to tell myself, “Just roll with the punches. But sometimes that is hard. Really hard.

For weeks now I’ve been wanting to move to my own apartment. There isn’t a single apartment available in the area. No one is returning calls or multiple emails I send. Fine, I get it – COVID-19.

Work is ramped up because its one of the few retail places left open. Not having customers in the store in the middle of the night is nice. But the expectation is we can get a lot more done. So the work piles on.

Things should be done the right way. Instead I ask one person, I get one answer. Ask another, get another answer. Next day, “Why this..why that?” My response, “Ask [my superior] who told me to do it that way.” “Well, it should have been done this way…” Really – no shit. If you communicated to the crew, Hey we’re in a difficult situation right now but the same rules apply as if was a normal work environment, you wouldn’t have this shit going on. Typical work crap that I try to keep at work but sometimes it follows me home.

Working seven days, for whatever reason, doesn’t help. I’m tired, exhausted, yet someone doesn’t want to inquire with the person that made the schedule to see if indeed it was a mistake. My hope is I report to work, they question why I’m there and I get sent home and two days off. We all know that isn’t going to happen right now. So I’m on day six of seven. Throw productivity out the window.

Then when I’m outside, a person from the rooms informs me they are having a meeting next door. Really, a meeting in a house with 18 residents, one staff member. Are you kidding me? I’m not setting foot in the place – period.

What was reported on the news apparently the attendance policy isn’t as proposed or as I understood it. I thought it was waived until the end of April. Now I’m told if people are uncomfortable coming to work and just call off, its unexcused and regular attendance policy applies. If anyone is even exposed to COVID-19, the MUST self-isolate, notify the store and there is a possibility the store closes. All this with no pay. You only get paid if you’re a confirmed COVID-19 case with a doctor’s confirmation.

Which brings me to my employment status. I found out I wasn’t considered full-time until Sunday night. I’ve been asking and asking, “I haven’t forgot about you.” Well it nice to know my status was changed Sunday, now I get screwed in the two bonuses coming to employees this week because my status wasn’t changed to full time.

Despite all this, honestly, I have even thought about drinking. It hasn’t even crossed my mind. I haven’t changed what I do for my sobriety, especially right now. I’m grateful and know I just have to give it time.

“Give it Time….Time Takes Time…its’ only temporary” – not liking those sayings right now.

**chuckle**

Difficulties

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For some reason this week is difficult for me. Last week I was full of gratitude. This week is a whole other story. I don’t like how I’m reacting to things. I call people but people never call me back. Online meetings just aren’t the same as face-to-face meetings. When I get a feeling “something is wrong” I know I need to change things.

Last week I was going to write about the increased gratitude I have for having many thing in my life. Many are bitching and complaining about being cooped up, not working, at home with their families all day long, etc. Really? Yet, in normal circumstances you can’t wait for a weekend, want a long vacation or crave the attention of your family because you don’t think you have enough time for them? Now you have that time, so make use of it.

I am categorized as an “essential” employee, so I don’t get the luxury of time off. The only changes in my life are no face-to-face meetings and no customers in the store when I work, otherwise its just like any other normal day. Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble and wish I could be walking in your shoes. Then the bubble pops and I snap back into reality – what the hell is really going on?

As I’ve started to work again, I noticed many things I still need to work on. Not working, yet working on sobriety is completely different. It’s much easier. Working and living sobriety is just plain much harder. I recognize this, so I have to put more work into my sobriety.

For instance, last night, I let the temper get the best of me. Things just weren’t going my way. That was problem one. The little things turned into big things and it just kept getting worse and worse. I let it keep getting worse and worse until I walked out the door. I need to take the time to take a deep breath and be grateful I have a job right now. I also need to remind myself “things will happen when they are suppose to happen”.

Right now, my search for an apartment is at a stand still. There is absolutely nothing in the area available to rent. I wanted to move out April 1st. Now that isn’t going to happen. To compound the issue, I have a new roommate who moved in this afternoon. My two roommates woke me up when this was happening so I only got about five hours of sleep. Here we go again – the little things frustrating me turning into big things. Problem two I need to work on – do I really need to let this shit to bother me? No. At least I have a roof over my head – be grateful.

Frustrated, as is everyone else, so it’s normal. But part of me feels selfish thinking the way I feel. So I’m glad I actually read, slowly, my own daily readings. There was a message there I needed to hear. I’ve been just posting and not really reading my own readings lately. I need to stop myself and read them, practice them and work on them. That is how this whole sobriety things works in the first place, right?

And there you go, my mood is changing. Suddenly I don’t feel as bitchy and whiny. Sobriety can be a wonderful thing, if I let it and work on it.

Transition to Independent Living

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As many of you know, for the last year and a half, I have lived in a supportive living residential program after a relapse in 2018. I’m in the final stages of transitioning to independent living. Next week I also transition from a part-time job to full time but I’m also looking at other job opportunities in the recovery field.

It’s been a month since I started working at Wal-mart on the overnight shift. I am still adjusting to a sleep schedule of 10 am to 6pm. This gives me at least eight hours of a night’s, as well as an hour before I attend an evening meeting almost every night. It’s imperative I continue to attend meetings especially at a time when there are major changes happening in my life.

The job, as stated on other occasions, is not something I would like to do for the rest of my life. While I’m grateful for the experience, it’s taking quite a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. In a nut shell, it’s really hard work, long nights and at times I have wanted to just give up. Instead, like my recovery, I just concentrate on what needs to be done in my work day doing it to the best of my ability. I literally leave work at work. A lesson I learned from my own past which was a contributor to my relapse.

Recently I completed my application for a Certified Peer Specialist through New York State. Now I’ll be looking for employment in the recovery field. In the past recovery was focused on those with an addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) Recovery is now inclusive of everyone whether they are an addict, a person diagnosed with a mental health disorder or just someone who is having difficulty living their own life. It’s interesting how services have transitioned from institutional to peer supportive services. Studies have shown there is a greater chance of recovery when individuals use peer supportive services focusing on the individual versus their medical diagnosis.

A respected peer reminded me today we must take care of ourselves first. We have to find a balance in recovery and our life experiences. To much of one or the other can have a see saw affect, the rest crashing down on us. So on that note – a meeting, dinner and a quiet next two days off from work.

Life is good and I don’t have to drink!

Dealing with Loneliness

On By mikeykjrIn Personal2 Comments

While I enjoy the peace and serenity my sobriety gives me, there are times I’m uncomfortable. I battle with the overwhelming feeling I’m alone in the world. Yet, I know I’m not. There are two things which bring me back to reality – my Higher Power and the fellowship.

As I sit here listening to music and playing my game on the computer, the walls started to close in. The room suddenly got dark and closed in all around me. For a few seconds I couldn’t shake it off and fear started to creep in saying to myself, “We’ve been here before.”

Indeed I have, on several occasions in the past. I worked as a Program Aide at a detox center and the other when I was a CNA. The difference between the two was I enjoyed one job, was going to meetings and was living sobriety. The other job, I had the complete opposite experience. I just had me, myself and I. Those three in the same room was disastrous which lead to me where I am today.

Part of this recent experience may be because of my complete lack of meetings because I was sick. But I was reminded at the meeting, people do miss me and care about me. I was asked by several about my recent changes in life and how I was handling them. A good reminder I’m not alone – ever.

In addition, I know there is a Higher Power in my life. But at times, it becomes such a daily routine, I forget It’s presence in my life. I truly believe without a belief in a Higher Power, I would not be here today. There are so many miracles in my life, things I couldn’t do on my own, there just is no other explanation. A belief in a Higher Power, an incomprehensible concept for a struggling addict, is something one can only experience once someone has a willingness to accept One does exist.

Shortly, it also goes a little deeper. It’s the lack of human contact at times. As human beings we tend to be social beings. While I would be able to call anyone at anytime if I had a alcoholic problem to talk about, what about those times I don’t? I thought at one time, I would be able to interact with people through playing my game. But since I switched to another game, there isn’t much of any interaction at this time despite people playing all over the world. I may have to revert back to my old game as its active playing membership is usually consistent at all hours of the day and night. But this isn’t a solution to the need to talk to someone right next to me.

Lastly, I have learned when I have things going on in my life with no one to talk to its always good to write them down. It gets them out of my system so they aren’t rolling around in my head. It helps to acknowledge and really “see” what’s going on, then simply letting it go.

Loneliness is sometimes a hard experience to get through at times. “But It Too Shall Pass!” Another reminder it’s only temporary if I let it. Meanwhile, don’t I have a new life to live? It’s time to live it.